Twenty-Five Days
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Twenty-five days remaining before Christmas. Twenty-five days of hiding feelings and pretending it is okay. Just twenty-five days. Rizzles endgame.
1. December, 1st

**Author's note: here comes the December multiple-chapter story; as usual, daily updates and reviews/suggestions are more than welcome.**

_**"Always winter but never Christmas." C.S. Lewis**_

**December, 1st:**

**2.30pm**

_I think it was immediate. Love at first sight as one would say. I turned around and she was there. A very singular feeling, the kind you think that only belongs in movies. The world didn't stop turning but my life tipped over. _

_It did as soon as she smiled at me._

_Sometimes, I think it is obvious. Way too much. People must think that I am a fool trying to pretend that there is nothing. I suppose I am. To an extent. But I am not stupid enough to let her know. I am not stupid enough to lose what we have built. Perhaps she doesn't know it but our friendship is the most important thing I have; the only one I need. _

_I never lied to myself about it. I accepted these feelings just as I did my best to hide them from her, to protect who we are. This connection we share. _

_I think that this is when I began to lead some sort of a double life: the person I am in public opposed to the one who lies deep inside. The second one is quiet, almost invisible. She can't afford to be discovered. The other one is safe, less honest perhaps but who cares? _

_There are things that can't be told, in life. Many of them, as a matter of fact. Nobody teaches us all that but we nonetheless learn about it little by little; disappointment after disappointment. Mistakes and bad decisions. A whole patchwork of wounds that never really go away but make of us who we are. What would I tell her, anyway? What kind of words would I use if I happened to be asked to be honest?_

_That I am in love with her? That the only person I ever think about is her? That I never cared about the others? That I have lied to her more times than I can remember because I didn't want to trouble her? It is pointless. She doesn't have to know and it isn't as if I were myself about to forget. This is impossible. It is engraved in my mind. In my heart. _

_Maura is my light. I owe her my life._

"Rizzoli?" Infuriated before the lack of answer, Lieutenant Cavanaugh squinted his eyes at Jane and sighed loudly. Hands on his hips as if to highlight even more his sudden lack of patience.

As Frost pinched her forearm, the brunette winced in pain and stared at her colleague in disbelief – her heart beating fast – then shook her head at him. Since when did her partner give into physical harm?

"You pinched me... Beast!"

But before she had a chance to mumble anything else between her teeth, their boss' voice rose in the room and caught her attention immediately. Or better said, finally.

"Welcome back to Earth, Rizzoli. We missed you here." The lieutenant checked his papers one more time then looked at her, slightly disillusioned. "I pair you with Breckenridge, then?"

Jane widened her dark eyes and blinked. What was going on? Lost in confusion, she cast a glance at the colleague in question and repressed a mock of disgust. There was no way she would pair with him.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait." Suddenly a lot more focused on the meeting, she straightened up and sat on the edge of her seat. Hand clutched to her coffee cup to the point her knuckles had turned white. "There must be..."

"It isn't my fault if we don't have an even number. Breckenridge agrees on taking part in two projects and I think it is really nice of him considering it takes a lot of his free time... Don't you think so, Rizzoli? I am sure that you can't but applaud your colleague's dedication."

Jane swallowed hard and pursed her lips before her boss' obvious sarcastic tone. Needless to say his message was clear in spite of being implicit and discreet. Her attitude for the last minutes or so had not made her win any point.

"We need someone – actually, two people – to volunteer for _The Home For Little Wanderers _and it happens that you are the last one available on the list. You should have expressed yourself earlier if you don't like the idea. Case closed." Her boss nodded at the group. "Back to work, now. We can't afford to spend the day on this either."

People began to stand up and leave towards their desks. Jane winced. The meeting was over and she had missed everything.

"Lieutenant! Wait!" Jumping out of her seat as if stung by a bee, Jane rushed to her boss and took a deep breath. "I could do it alone."

Cavanaugh rolled his eyes impatiently.

"The BPD December volunteering project is supposed to strengthen the team spirit within our units, Rizzoli. Tell me how you could work on this all by yourself. You are with Breckenridge. Period."

Jane ran a hand through her hair then cast a desperate glance around her. There was no way that she would let this happen. Breckenridge was even worse than Mahoney. A sexist – brainless – idiot who had landed a position at the BPD by some cruel miracle. Her eyes stopped on a file left on her desk. A medical one.

She yelled in a last attempt of self-salvation.

"Maura!"

The lieutenant frowned at her sudden outburst - made a step towards her - and cleared his voice as if embarrassed by the whole situation.

"Listen, I know that you and Dr. Isles get along but she doesn't work for the BPD so technically, she doesn't have to take part in this."

Jane pouted. She wouldn't let go of it that easily.

...

**8pm**

Knife in hand, Maura looked up from the kitchen counter and tilted her head on a side. She squinted her eyes at Jane, shrugged.

"No, I am afraid that I have never heard about this orphanage before."

Sitting up on a stool, Jane took out of her pocket a worn-out brochure that she had folded earlier in the afternoon after the meeting with Cavanaugh and the rest of her colleagues. She held it out to her friend and nodded enthusiastically.

"It's located on Guest Street. All we have to do is to go there three times a week this month and take part in activities with children. It's just volunteering. Quick, fast... Volunteering." The brunette held her breath and let a last sentence rush through her lips. "Please tell me you accept this."

Somewhat intrigued, Maura grabbed the brochure and leafed through it. As soon as Jane had arrived for dinner after an eventless day at work, the Italian had talked about nothing but the BPD project. But it wasn't suggestion that the honey blonde could see in her friend's eyes right now. No. It was pleading and nothing else.

Hand on her hip, Maura rose an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Why do I have the feeling that you have already said to Lieutenant Cavanaugh that I had accepted?"

Jane repressed a scoff and pursed her lips.

"I thought you never guessed anything...?"

Maura shook her head and resumed her vegetable chopping after sipping on her white wine. It was just another evening at her place; a quiet – warm – one. In theory. She could always count on Jane for last-minute changes.

"I am simply formulating a hypothesis, here. This isn't guessing, Jane. Can't you still tell the actual difference between both notions?" But before her friend's absence of reaction, Maura sighed. "You will never learn..."

Jane buried her face in her hands. The approximate – too brutal – gesture made a couple of papers fall down on the floor. She opened an eye to check the damage and repressed a laugh as she noticed that the stack had landed right on Bass' shell.

"Sorry, buddy." She bent over – grabbed the sheet of papers – then put them back on the counter a bit further from her to make sure that she wouldn't repeat the gesture. "So? Are you in or not? You are the one who keeps on telling me how December is about caring and such. Isn't volunteering the kind of stuff that goes along with it? And it's perfect for us. We were looking for something to do... Together!"

"Who were you supposed to team up with?"

Jane made a face. Why was Maura so hard to convince? This was mission impossible. And yet she had actually signed the official documents in her name. The situation was more than delicate.

"Breckenridge." The mock of disgust only echoed the complete lack of enthusiasm of her voice. She looked down at the counter – defeated – and sighed heavily. "Say yes. Please..." Eyes up to meet her friend's hazel ones. "It's Christmas."

The comment made Maura scoff and burst out laughing.

"You are incorrigible, Jane Rizzoli! Yesterday you were still telling me to slow down on the whole holiday thing and now you are talking to me about adopting a Christmas spirit? By the way, we still have to go buy a tree and don't you dare telling me that you don't have time for it."

Jane squinted her eyes at Maura's menacing finger and tried to focus in order to not lose this tight battle. She nodded; palms of her hands on the counter.

"If I get you the biggest Christmas tree of Massachusetts, will you accept to volunteer with me?"

"This is blackmail, Jane." But before these dark puppy eyes, Maura's pout finally melted in a smile. She sighed, rolled her eyes. "When are we supposed to start?"


	2. December, 2nd

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews!**

**December, 2nd:**

_She goes on my nerves all the time but not because of her temper. No. Because of how she makes me feel. I am in love with her. It all lies here, bare. Right in front of me. _

_And it hurts. _

_The silence around it burns insidiously but with the passing of time, I have got used to it to the point that I wouldn't know how to keep on living without it. It probably doesn't make much sense – even sounds stupid – but nobody has any when in love. Nobody has a hold over these feelings. _

_It happened on a Monday morning as if the symbol of novelty through a new week had decided to play a role on what my life was supposed to be. _

_She turned around – looked at me – and within a second I had understood absolutely everything; from the strength of my feelings to my incapacity through the years to ever confess them. _

_She became my friend. The only one I have ever had. My confidante in spite of this side of me that I cannot tell her about. _

_Sometimes, I wonder if she has guessed; if she knows the slightest thing. But deep inside – even if my heart seems to skip a beat – I hope nothing but her to remain unaware of it. She would not understand. _

_Not that she would assume that I am crazy – no, she respects me too much for that – but things would never be the same anymore between us. She would feel embarrassed and I would be guilty. I cannot ruin our unique friendship. _

_Perhaps this is how it is supposed to be. Life doesn't have to be fair nor pretty. Smooth. I have not learned much about human relationships that is not deceiving. Being careful is paramount for me. These links are too fragile in spite of their apparent strength. _

_It is like a house of cards. It takes so much time to build something that within a second the wind can destroy for the eternity. _

_Love is as powerful as a gust of wind. _

_Against all expectations, it isn't that hard to accept it and play the game even if some nights seem a tad more bitter than other ones. Lonely and cold. You get used to it. Get used to these semi-lies, to an avalanche of smiles that hide a whole series of missed opportunities that only reached glory in your mind. It is okay. I am fine. _

_Really._

_Even if I know that Jane will never be mine._

**5.30pm**

"What's your job?"

Maura froze at the question but kept on smiling. She had become an expert in the art of hiding her discomfort to people who didn't know her much. As a matter of fact, Jane was the only one – as far as she knew – who could read through her like in an open book.

She ran her tongue over her lips to win some time and began to formulate an acceptable answer in her head. It wasn't easy.

Images of the morning were rushing to her mind; viscera slipping through her fingers, a brain taken out of a skull. On the dead body of a child of five.

"I am a medical examiner." Yet she refused to lie, to enhance some sort of beauty out of the truth. It was not how it worked. Not for her, anyway. Her bluntness wasn't well seen – especially with kids – but Maura refused to let them believe that reality was pink.

Not that children growing up in an orphanage could think this.

"You cut open dead bodies?!" The teenager made a face and seemed to suddenly take her distance with Maura as if she were facing a monster. Her reaction embarrassed the blonde.

"This is only one part of my job. I actually help the forces to..."

But the teenager didn't give her time to finish her explanation and stopped her with a gesture of the hand before shrugging away the whole thing.

"I don't need to hear your whole life. I know you're only here because you were asked to so let's just pretend we had a nice chat and now – if you don't mind – I'm gonna watch tv."

Taken aback, Maura looked at the fourteen-year-old stand up and leave towards the other side of the room where a group of teenagers had gathered in front of a huge television set.

This wasn't how she had imagined her first day at _The Home For Little Wanderers _would go. Since she had accepted Jane's request the day before, she had spent all her time thinking about activities she could suggest to the kids but obviously, she had been naive. Way too enthusiastic. None of them seemed happy to see her and Jane around in the building.

"So... How is it going?"

The Italian's hoarse voice cheerfully rose in the air. Maura turned around – stared at her – but didn't say the slightest word. Her facial expression talked for herself, anyway. She was now lost between uncertainty and dispair. A terrible mix. Jane made a face and smiled apologetically.

"They need time to come to us, you know. They're just kids who had a tough life. It's not like they can trust us right away like that. They've been disappointed in adults way too many times already."

The brunette was right – and wise – but her words didn't reassure Maura nonetheless. She was not good at handling human relationships and would never be. It was a miracle if Jane was still around.

A miracle she clutched to desperately; in silence, though.

"It is too early for a Shakespeare workshop, isn't it?"

Jane pouted trying to put a little water in her wine – after all, it was her fault if Maura was living all this – and offered a pale smile in consolation.

"Don't take it bad but it's always too early for a Shakespeare class."

...

**8pm**

As she stepped out of Maura's car, Jane realized that it wasn't cold but literally freezing. Huddled up in her winter coat, she sped up her pace and passed the gates of Boston Common; following a rather impressive amount of passers-by. They were running late because of her.

She had insisted on going back to the BPD after their volunteering at the orphanage to check a few things but had then been stuck in traffic and Maura's silence said it all. She wasn't upset but mad.

Like every year.

"We're going to make it on time, no worries. Anyway, it's the same stuff every year so it's not like you're gonna mis anything big." Jane's laugh fell flat. Poor attempt to break the ice. "The lights will be on until January. We have a whole month to see them over and over, Maura."

"Maybe. But the lighting ceremony is today and only today. In thirty-five seconds to be more exact. What is it that – every year – we don't seem to be able to make it there on time?"

Jane rolled her eyes. She didn't understand her friend's obsession for it and if it hadn't been for her then she wouldn't even go to Boston Common for the annual event. She couldn't care less. Sure it looked pretty but they could enjoy it any time. Any time for a month. The ceremony could not be more formal. Even boring, actually.

Yet every year, Maura spoke about nothing but it.

They reached the crowd at the end of the main path and bought the candles they would light up when the electric tinsels gave life again to the park plunged in the dark. Another tradition, another way to strengthen their singular relation.

"They only had white ones left..."

Maura smiled reassuringly at Jane and grabbed the candle.

"I don't mind about the color. This isn't the point of the whole thing, Jane. They could be black that it would be the same. I am here for the symbol." _With you. _The two last words stayed trapped in her throat. They brushed her lips but she swallowed them back.

The mayor of Boston appeared on an improvised – outdoor – stage. A local celebrity followed him. Everyone applauded.

As Jane looked up at the sky, she realized that they had stopped right under a Holly Christmas wreath with mistletoe. She bit the inside of her cheek to repress a moan. Even if Maura saw it, they would not kiss. She knew it. The scientist would pretend to have not seen the slightest thing and she would simply move on as she always did.

The countdown began and – all of a sudden – the trees lit up through golden shades.

"Magical..." Maura's whisper floated in the air, carried away by the hurra of the crowd and all the applause soon melting into music. She smiled – brightly – and turned around to look at Jane. "See." She bit her lower lip and shook her head. She looked sorry. "You would prefer to be somewhere else, wouldn't you?"

Jane lit up their candles and passed her arm under her friend's before dragging her closer to her own body for some extra-heat. She shook her head while looking all around at the enchanting scenery.

"No."

The sincerity of her answer found a comforting echo in Maura's silence. A bitter one, though. Like every year for their closeness not being the one of her own desire. It was the paradox of the whole thing. If Jane enjoyed these moments she shared with Maura more than anything, they also burnt – deep inside – for reminding her every second that reality had little to do with the feelings that made her heart beat.


	3. December, 3rd

**Author's note: thank you very much for your reviews and suggestions; I will try to insert them one way or another.**

**December, 3rd:**

_I have never slept with any woman, never even kissed one. I have never had the opportunity to do so in spite of my obvious attraction to some. Always the same scheme, in the end: I don't dare. _

_I don't dare to talk to them, I don't dare to smile at them. They don't come to me either so nothing happens. _

_And now there is Maura, anyway. 'My Maura' as I say to nobody but myself. If only she knew how proud I am when standing by her side; when holding her hand. When I make her laugh. By then – and only by then – her hazel eyes seem to sparkle. Her lips curl up a little. She tilts her head on a side. Then I wish she were mine. _

_Sometimes, I think what my life would look like if she hadn't stormed in it like that. In all discretion but with the strength of the biggest tsunami. She is addictive. Too much, maybe. But I don't care. _

_It might sound stupid, I still need her. Every single day. She is the reason why I get up in the morning, the reason why I haven't turned yet completely crazy. The reason why I am breathing. _

_I dread the day when she finds someone. It is selfish – immensely selfish – but I would prefer her to remain single. And lonely. Because I know she is. _

_Maura Isles feels lonely, in spite of my presence; in spite of our friendship. She isn't leading the life that she would like to have but at least I have her for myself. Somehow, to an extent. _

_This isn't nice and it makes me feel guilty but I couldn't handle it if she happened – one day – to go and take her distance from me. So I hope in silence. _

_It isn't easy to love someone when you know that your feelings aren't reciprocal. It hurts a lot and you feel disarmed – helpless – for not being able to make the situation change. _

_It wouldn't work out, anyway. We are too different. She would get tired of me within a week and all I would get from it would be a field of broken dreams. An ocean of invisible tears. _

_She isn't made for me. This is the harsh truth so I'd better accept it._

**9.30am**

"You should eat something. Since when do you skip breakfast? This is the most important meal of the day and you know it. I have never ceased to repeat it to you and your brothers."

Jane closed her eyes briefly before looking at her mother. She took a deep breath and pondered the words in her head. There was no point in being agressive. The remark was fair, annoying but still...

"I'm not hungry, ma'."

Angela frowned – suddenly worried – and leaned over the table. She wasn't on a break but couldn't care less about it. The Division One Cafe was rather quiet, anyway. Cups of coffee could wait for a bit. Her children would always be her only priority. Besides, Stanley wasn't here.

"Are you feeling sick? Take a day off, you are exhausted. Look at you. Pale like a ghost. I don't like this..." The matriarch brought a hand to her daughter's forehead to check her temperature. "What is going on, Jane? I don't recognize you anymore."

Jane straightened up on her seat. She hadn't expected something like this. But before she had a real chance to stand up and leave – pretending to have work to do – her mother stopped her with both hands on her wrist. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Everything's fine, I don't know what you're talking about. Don't imagine things like that. Anyway... I have to go, now. I need... I need to see Maura."

"Of course, you do."

Already up, Jane froze and blinked – confused – as her mother's words resounded loud. She laughed out of nervousness then shook her head.

"What do you mean?"

Angela shrugged and looked around for help. She had never looked that guilty. Gesticulating as if to win some time, she finally smiled and began to play with an abandoned paper napkin; folding it in tiny pieces.

"Isn't it what she is supposed to do, helping you on cases? Go, now. I don't want you to be late. You will hold that against me and December isn't supposed to be about grudge."

The matriarch was lying and Jane knew it but too afraid of finding out what her mother had really meant to say, she chose the most coward way and rushed out of the cafe without adding anything. Just as she always did. It didn't make her particularly proud but she felt relieved.

She stepped into the elevator and pressed the button to her floor. She wouldn't go to the morgue. It was pointless as Maura wasn't there. Besides, she didn't need the slightest thing regarding any case she might have been working on.

She was stuck at her desk – doing paperwork – until a phone call might change the situation. They weren't currently investigating on anything. The days were long and a tad boring. Too perfect for introspection.

...

**1.45pm**

"What happened, here?!" Jane stepped into Maura's office and looked all around at the new furniture.

Green plant in hand, the medical examiner smiled proudly before uncertainty embraced her face for a few seconds. It could have passed unnoticed if she hadn't been facing Jane right now but her friend knew her too well. Way too well.

"Feng shui!"

The Italian nodded slowly – not so convincingly – and rose an eyebrow as she approached a rather odd lamp to observe it.

"You should stop going to Cambridge. Every time it seems like you come back here with a brand... New and odd idea. What do they do to you, exactly?"

Maura ignored the comment – put the plant down by the door – and walked to her desk where she grabbed two lunch brown paper bags. She motioned at the couch with a gesture of the head before for Jane to sit there.

"They didn't have your favorite _linguine_."

The brunette made a face – pouted like a spoiled child – and reluctantly grabbed one of the bags. It was Wednesday and they always had _linguine_ on Wednesday. She hated last-minute changes.

"What did you get us, then?"

Us. The pronoun floated in the air and made both of them blush slightly for its meaning being a bit too blurry, confusing. Yet as usual, none of them dared to make a remark about it. Instead, Maura – eager to overcome the sudden discomfort – cleared her voice and smiled as brightly as she could in such circumstances.

"Raviolis... Four cheese raviolis. And a bottle of Chianti."

Jane widened her eyes in surprise as she watched how her friend grabbed a bottle of wine out of her brown paper bag. She laughed lightly.

"Drinking while on the job? What a rebel you are, Dr. Isles!"

"I felt like celebrating."

The statement made Jane frown. What was Maura talking about, exactly? It wasn't their birthdays – nor any kind of anniversary – and they barely had twenty minutes or so before going back to their respective jobs.

"Celebrating what? You going feng shui?" Jane's voice resounded blank, almost shaking as if way too afraid to face one of these dreadful scenarios she – at times – elaborated in her head. "Is there something you wanna tell me? You met someone, this morning?"

"Why would I want to meet someone?" Maura gasped – stood up as she realized what she had just said – and rushed to her desk to turn her back at Jane. Complete fail. "I mean..." She shrugged, took a deep breath. "Christmas is coming! It is enough of a reason for a few glasses of Chianti."

"If you say so..." Jane grabbed the bottle – opened it – and poured some in two cups then waited for Maura to come and sit back next to her. She rose her glass – locked her eyes with her friend's – and swallowed hard. "To Christmas, then."

The blonde nodded and echoed the gesture.

"To Christmas. And make sure to be available tonight around 7pm. We are going to pick up a tree... You promised me the biggest one, I hope that you haven't forgotten about it."

As Maura's hip brushed Jane's hand, the detective relaxed and fully embraced the wave of warmth spreading from her lower stomach to her heart. She lived for these moments; intense ones. Intimate enough.

She rolled her eyes, pretending to be exasperated when she was actually thrilled. She just couldn't show it. She never did.

"Oh, come on!" Maura pressed her friend's forearm and froze as her gaze found Jane's own one.

Everything ceased, all of a sudden. Her surrounding turned blurry. She swallowed hard as she began to feel her friend's breath coming by waves to caress her lips. They were too close to each other.

Too ambiguous.

"Dr. Isles? I'm sorry, maybe I'm interrupting you. I can come back later, if you want."

Susie Chang's voice made them jump of surprise. They took some distance immediately and turned around to look at the senior criminalist. Maura stood up, adjusted her clothes with a barely hidden guilt.

She took a deep breath.

"Yes, Susie?"

And a smile. Always the same one. Bright - too bright maybe - as if to reassure her audience about her state of mind. A pure lie without really being one. It was a mere artifice. One she had learned as a child and she made great use of it.


	4. December, 4th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews; there is going to be some sweetness soon!**

**December, 4th:**

_A few people have crossed my path already – men and women – but only Jane has been able to make my life tip over completely. She stormed in. Just like that, without any warning. I know what people say about me, I know what they think but I don't care. She warmed up my loneliness, gave sense to a lot of things. Thanks to her, I finally understand the whole point of living. _

_I have never been depressed nor suicidal but before I met Jane, my existence seemed gloomy; a bit precarious. It didn't make much sense and I didn't know where I was going to. Why. _

_She brought me this serenity I desperately lacked of. Everything isn't perfect. We argue, at times. A lot, actually. But I know that it is nothing important, that it will never ruin our friendship. The only thing that could bring all this down is the confession of my feelings. _

_I am secretly in love and so what? Shouldn't it be enticing? The sky looks a bit more blue, the birds sing a bit louder. Everything looks softer. We went through a lot, together. A lot more than we will ever experience with a third party. She knows it just as I do. And if only for that, she will always be in my heart. _

_Sometimes, I close my eyes and see nothing but her lips. Their shape, the delicate shade of pink and their graceful movement whenever she speaks. I have brushed them once, with my fingers. Just the warming coincidence of fate as I was checking her nose after she had got hit. The bare contact – as invisible as it turned out to be – sent a shiver down my spine and for long hours afterwards, nothing made sense to me. _

_I didn't get used to the contact in spite of the years. Every time, it is the same. The effect it causes – its strength – finds an echo in my inability to do anything else but play the moment over and over in my head. A shameful obsession that rocked me to sleep more times than I can remember. _

_I chose to be lonely because I understood that nobody would ever bring me half of what Jane does. I will always feel incomplete with someone else; not as happy as I am when she is with me. It has little to do with sacrifices because it actually makes me happy._

_Really._

**8.30pm**

Jane walked in the living-room and cast a glance at Maura before pouting excessively. Dramatically. She pulled on the woolen sweater she had found in her friend's closet and made her way to a stool – the closer to her mug of mulled wine – then took a sip of the drink.

The alcohol melted in the scent of cinnamon, warming up her whole body; bringing a pink shade to her cheeks. It was good, comforting.

"It'd better work or you'll hear from me. What an idea you had to suggest a gingerbread man thing at the orphanage."

Way too used to the Italian's complains, Maura barely paid attention to the remark and opened one of the large cardboard boxes that lay on top of the kitchen counter.

"Workshop. Nobody asked you to spill a whole glass of golden syrup on you either..." She smirked but rolled her eyes as Jane shot her a death glare. "I have just turned on the washing machine. Your clothes – all of them – will be clean within an hour. You don't have to worry. So now..."

The scientist grabbed a golden tinsel out of the box and grinned at Jane who buried her face in her hands.

"No, not that. C'mon. Let me – at least – finish my mulled wine before." The brunette grabbed back her mug and let the scent of the drink go to her head bewitchingly. She squinted her eyes at it. "Maybe I'll have another one in the process. We're never too ready to face the Christmas tree thing."

Maura's laugh rose in the air and warmed up the room, bringing life to her quiet house. It had been snowing all day long but they had nonetheless spent some time at _The Home For Little Wanderers_. Children and pre-teens had been happy to see them back.

The oldest ones, not so much. They had barely paid attention to them when she had announced the gingerbread man competition. They needed time.

She passed the tinsel around Jane's neck playfully and winked at her. She was in a good mood. Her day at the morgue had been peaceful enough and she had enjoyed her time at the orphanage.

"This isn't a scarf, Maura." Yet while saying so, Jane grabbed the item to tie it up as if it were one and she grabbed another one out of the box – a short one – to use it as a bracelet. She showed the result to the medical examiner. "Better than Tiffany, right?"

"Not platinum worth but I would still take it."

Jane's smile froze as Maura's words resounded loud. She blinked. What did her friend mean by this? She swept away the latent discomfort stirred up by the remark by clearing her voice and walking to the tree they had bought the day before.

"I can't believe you make me set one up every year."

Maura frowned. She seemed confused, uncertain.

"Why? I never understand why you are so reluctant to celebrate Christmas. It is a beautiful holiday, a beautiful time of the year."

Jane snorted and rolled her eyes. She couldn't disagree more.

For her, it was synonym of boredom and family arguments. Of domestic crime scenes as well. It wasn't as festive as people pretended it to be. If it hadn't been for her mother, she would have stayed home by herself on that day. Actually, she often volunteered to work on Christmas day just to make sure that she would skip it. But then it had changed when Maura had appeared in her existence. Everything had changed.

Every single one of her perspectives.

Maura needed it. She clutched to these holidays as if her life depended on them and maybe it did to an extent. She hadn't celebrated them much as a child. She didn't know what a family gathering was and even less the possibility to share this day with her parents. With Angela considering her as one of her daughters, she was given a brand new opportunity to change all this and fill her peculiar life of moments most of people saw as references.

And Jane knew it. That's why she didn't insist.

"Do we go for a golden or red theme, this year?" Her smile concluded Maura's question that didn't find any answer and didn't need to, anyway. Jane was here to make her friend happy.

"I think we will have to go for red, now."

Jane wrinkled her nose and slowly took off the golden tinsel from around her neck. She let it fall on the floor. Quietly. Jo Friday rushed to grab it.

"Have to? How come? It's what they say in _Vogue_ that it has now turned into an obligation?"

Maura shook her head and walked to her desk. She opened her bag that she had abandoned there as they had arrived from the orphanage and took something wrapped in a brown paper out of it. Jane frowned, her curiosity now piqued.

"What is it?"

"Camille made it for us, today." The honey blonde approached her friend and unfolded the paper to reveal two gingerbread women with their respective names on them. "While you were trying to get right of this golden syrup..."

Jane smiled. Camille was a sweet five-year-old little girl. Quite shy but very attentive. For whatever reason, the Italian assumed that Maura had looked like her at her age. Same temper.

"They're holding hands."

Maura giggled and nodded a bit timidly.

"She insisted on baking them this way because that's how we arrived together for the first time at the orphanage. Hand in hand."

Maura hadn't even noticed it until Camille had openly said it. The realization had made her blush a lot. The gesture wasn't inappropriate but unusual for women in their late thirties who were supposed to simply be friends. She had to recognize it. The fact she had genuinely held Jane's hand without the whole thing crossing her mind kept on troubling her slightly. She needed to be careful.

This couldn't just happen every since and then.

"Oh." Jane grabbed the two gingerbread women to observe them. Her smile melted into a grin as she turned around and planted a kiss on Maura's cheek. She let her fingers brush the red and green icing sugar then nodded to nobody but herself. "Red it'll be."

She walked to the Christmas tree – the biggest one she had found as promised – and hung the item right in the center so nobody would miss it. But realizing that Maura hadn't moved an inch and was still by her desk, looking straight in front of her dreamly.

"I accepted to help _you_, Maura. I'm not doing this alone! And don't you dare putting your infamous Michael Bubble playlist."

The honey blonde jumped slightly as if connecting back with reality and – biting her lips – offered a soft nod before walking to the tree.

"Joni Mitchell, then?"

Jane blinked, suddenly wondering if her friend hadn't developed sarcastic skills.

"Skip the Christmas songs, Maura. And tell me more about your brand new obsession for Canadian singers. I'm all ears and have obviously all my evening."


	5. December, 5th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your remarks!**

**December, 5th:**

_I think ma' knows. I think she has guessed for quite a while but doesn't dare to talk to me about it openly. She doesn't know where to start, what to say. She throws little hints here and there but never do the words pass her lips properly to make me face my feelings. Unless she doesn't dare, afraid I won't be able to handle it. _

_She is fine with it as much as it doesn't match the background she has grown up with. She is quite open-minded – especially since her divorce – but she isn't ready for it. _

_She isn't ready to push me more or less abruptly to recognize a couple of things. What for, anyway? I am not afraid of saying that I am in love with Maura but I don't want her to know. The nuance is slim, delicate. _

_She has never been my confidante. We get along in spite of disagreeing on a few things but I have never seen her as someone I wanted to share everything with. It isn't that I don't trust her. I am just bad at expressing my feelings. It makes me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable. And stupid. _

_So she plays along. I am sure of this. She remains silent over the situation the way I do and nobody is hurt. Everything goes on as it should. She must have guessed how important it was to me as she didn't try to tell anyone, starting with Maura. Ma' can be discreet when she wants to. _

_I don't think that she is disappointed in me. She likes Maura and welcomed her in the family. They get along, together. A lot. I guess that she would actually be happy if something had to happen. I simply know that it won't. _

_Of course, at times I fantasize about a different universe. Maura and I are a couple and everything goes fine. Everything is perfect. _

_For some reason, I often picture us out at family dinners. The table is big – all our relatives are there – and all of a sudden, she grabs my hand under the table. It may not be real, the touch nonetheless sends a shiver down my spine. _

_I turn my head around and smile at her. Peacefully. There we are, the two of us. As it should always be._

_The room becomes silent. _

_This is my biggest fantasy about a virtual us. It isn't even sexual. With Maura, everything is quite a lot more intense, more serious. She is the only person I have ever imagined myself experiencing this kind of situations with. _

_The only one I can contemplate myself with on a daily basis for the rest of my life. That's why I do know that she is the one. I don't even have to force myself nor close my eyes. It is clear, logical yet impossible._

**6pm**

"Is it for you?" Hands in her back, the saleswoman approached Maura and smiled brightly. "A nice Christmas surprise for your dear one?"

The honey blonde giggled – out of nervousness – and shrugged as she looked down at the bra she had just picked to try on. She hadn't even planned on stopping by the boutique but as she had left the morgue earlier than the usual, she hadn't felt the desire to go back home immediately.

Shopping was a nice passtime. Comforting. And before she had realized it, she had passed the door of the fine lingerie shop.

"Well..." The lace of the piece of lingerie slid between her fingers.

She was about to let go of it and leave when the employee put a hand on her wrist to stop her with all the delicacy in the world.

"Why not going for something closer to Christmas? Like red or emerald green. Black surely is one of the best classics but be a bit more daring. With your fair complexion, I would give it a try to the emerald green collection we have a bit further on your left. Lace is a nice choice. It is sexy without being too... Extravagant."

Maura let the woman take her to the right spot. She focused on the bras and the garterbelts. It was way too cold for these right now, though. Boston was going through a tough winter.

"Does he have any favorite?"

"Who?" The question passed the medical examiner's lips before she even realized what the woman was talking about. Too late. As it hit her, she simply blushed and looked down; shaking her head.

"It's a bit complicated?" The salesperson smiled again before winking. She grabbed a couple of bras after casting a glance at Maura's chest and turned around towards the fitting room. "Come with me. Lingerie is always a comforting purchase when life is a bit uncertain."

The words passed under Maura's skin then rushed to her head where they bumped into each other loudly. She stepped into a small room that looked like a boudoir and hung her coat on a side. She took a deep breath and began to undress. On the other side of the door, she heard the saleswoman's footsteps vanish as someone called her name a bit further.

She tried one of the bras and looked at her reflection in the large mirror. It suited her, highlighting her curves rather nicely.

Yet all of a sudden, her smile of satisfaction melted into an expression of pain. She closed her eyes – feeling the tears rush up at the edge of her eyelashes – and took a deep breath in a last attempt to repress them. A first sob – a quiet one – passed her lips nonetheless. She crossed her arms against her chest, completely distressed.

She burst into cries, standing half-naked in front of the mirror of a suddenly not so friendly boudoir. The saleswoman's words were now spinning around, almost mocking her for being in love with the only person who would never be hers.

...

**7.45pm**

"Finally! I thought you would never show up! Where were you? You got abducted by aliens?"

All smile – yet still shaken up after her unexpected meltdown at the boutique – Maura waved one of the bags that she was holding. Jane rolled her eyes and rubbed her hands together to warm up a bit.

"You must have quite an impressive collection of bras, by now. Or whatever you bought. You're on a shopping spree much?"

"I had some time to kill yet not enough to stop by a couple of art galleries. Besides, a woman never owns enough lingerie. Unless – like in your case – she only goes for the athletic style."

Jane frowned, not really upset but still quite unhappy about the remark. She plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat and shrugged before mumbling a rather inaudible answer.

"What have you just said?" Maura squinted her eyes at her friend as an amused smile curled up her lips. She was happy to see Jane. It was comforting in spite of the Italian being the roots of her very own distress.

"I said that I didn't have only sport bras, as much as they're useful. I also have... Other ones... But who cares? It's not like you're about to see them." Jane blushed and looked down at her feet as she realized that what she had just said could have several meanings.

"You almost killed me the last time I tried to check what you had in your closet. Believe me, I wish nothing but to see how bad the situation is so we can make it go better. What if I offered you some, for Christmas?"

Arm under arm, they both walked up the streets towards the movie theater. The sidewalks were not crowded yet but many people had nonetheless gathered to have a look at the Christmas decoration in the window stores.

"What?! Maura! Don't buy me lingerie! That's not the kind of present I should get from you... It's a bit... It's too intimate. Nobody should buy lingerie for anyone else, actually. It's embarrassing."

"How come? Have you never bought yourself a little something to please your partner?" The honey blonde stopped right in her tracks and blinked at her friend in disbelief. "You have to be kidding me."

"It's not what I said. I... I mean..." Jane ran a hand through her hair. She felt embarrassed. Why did they have to talk about something as personal as lingerie? She didn't like it. "You're single, as far as I know. So I don't see why you're talking about buying a bra to please a partner."

They resumed their walk up the street, in silence. Arms crossed on her chest, Maura let a bitter – too pale – smile light up her lips.

"Maybe one day it will please someone. It doesn't have to be immediate... Life is about being patient and not rush into things." Her whisper – carried by the intensity of years of silence over her feelings – embraced her of an odd sensation. She shrugged. "Besides, it makes me feel pretty."

They reached the movie theater and stopped to wait in line to buy their tickets. Staring straight there in front of her, Jane nodded to nobody but herself.

"You don't need a hundred bras to be pretty, Maura. You already are, naturally."

The compliment went straight to Maura's heart to warm it up effectively. Proud - immensely touched - she turned her face around to look at Jane before swallowing back another wave of tears. Happy ones, though. Her bitterness had just vanished.

Feeling her friend's gaze on her, the brunette wrinkled her nose and finally looked at Maura.

"What?"

The medical examiner smiled and shook her head.

"Nothing."


	6. December, 6th

**Author's note: thank you very much for the suggestions and reviews, I really enjoy reading and replying to them.**

**December, 6th:**

_She told me that I was beautiful. As a matter of fact, she keeps on telling me that but I know that she is just trying to be polite. She thinks that she is forced to say so because this is what I asked if only indirectly, implicitly. It makes me feel bad and – at the same time – happy. _

_You have no idea what it is like to receive a compliment from the person you are in love with. There is nothing warmer. The words pass underneath your skin – embrace your veins – and reach your heart to never ever leave again. Then you feel strong, untouchable. It softens your life in the most beautiful way even if the sensation doesn't last._

_I love when it is just Jane and I. When nothing else matters – the world could come to an end that I wouldn't notice the slightest thing – and time seems to get suspended. We don't need to do much but it gets me every time. I think that it is the fact that – by then – I know that she is mine. Just mine. _

_Nobody matters but me to her eyes. It is like a glimpse of something that I will never have properly. So I try to get the most out of this ephemeral lie._

_The problem is when I start analyzing the situation, when I think way too much about it. It usually happens without any warning and hits me so strongly that I suddenly burst into tears. They hurt – burn – but are necessary. This is the only way for me to keep up with everything. Fantasizing about someone who will never be mine is one delicate task. The mere mistake can take you to the other – darker – side that crashes down everything and yelled at you to stop all this. _

_Because it is not what reality is._

_I am not lying, though. I don't pretend that Jane and I are together. I don't subconsciously let any person around assume that we are in a relationship. I just dream about a parallel world where it could happen; where everything would be different. Yet it all stays in my head and helps me a lot when I have to face a life that doesn't necessarily reach my expectations. _

_We don't sleep together but this is a detail. We are a lot closer than many couples actually are. It is just a different level. A bit of a blurry one, maybe._

_We barely spend more than a day far from each other, we share most of our evenings. We are more than welcome to our families' gatherings. We hold hands – at times – when a surge of boldness is stronger than the words people could say about us. We care for each other. We go on vacations – every since and then – together. People have a hard time to dissociate one from the other. We are a couple, to an extent. Just not the one that would entirely satisfy me. _

_But still, I am beyond lucky to already have what Jane has to bring me. _

**4.15pm**

"Are you planning on adopting any of us?"

The question made Maura choke on her coffee.

Perhaps she should have followed Jane to take part in the sled competition that the Italian had set up for a group of children from the orphanage instead of staying in to converse with the ones who had declined the activity.

"We aren't here to make some sort of selection that would help us to choose one of you. This is not the goal of our volunteering. We just want..."

Amelia – a teenager who had been reading on the couch until now without taking part in the talk – looked up and shook her head.

"Lesbian couples can adopt, here, you know. This isn't a problem at all."

Maura blinked at the young girl, uncertain of whether she was surprised of finally hearing her voice or more by the comment that had come within it. Long seconds of silence floated around, carried by a dozen of faces that were now staring at the medical examiner with curiosity.

"I beg your pardon...?" Maura ran her tongue over her lips and let a nervous laugh hit the air as she tried to adopt a more casual position on her seat.

"Or bi. I don't know what you are but... Jane's not a guy!" Molly made a face before rising a hand in the air as if to apologize for her approximate comment. She cast a glance at Amelia and Lisa, one of the girls who had stayed inside. "Same-sex couples if you prefer. The center's fine with it."

"But Jane and I..." Blushing, Maura looked down at her cup of coffee and bit her lips. This was not something that she had expected. As a matter of fact, it had never happened to her before apart from their blatant lie to Giovanni but it was slightly different. "We aren't a couple. We aren't... We aren't together. Not this way."

This time, all the teenagers abandoned whatever they were doing to look at the honey blonde rather in disbelief.

"Seriously?! But... Nah, I don't believe you. Or you're just not ready to assume your story with her. Whatever it is, I refuse to believe that. Sorry but it's too obvious, Maura. And yet again, we are just fine with it. No big deal, you know. Love is love."

"The way you look at each other, the way you touch... That's gay, to me." Danielle made a face and shrugged before the expression she had used. "No offense."

"We are not together. We are not... There aren't this kind of feelings between us." Feeling a bit too alone to defend her idea, Maura straightened up and frowned in all seriousness. Yet the teenagers around her didn't seem convinced. She sighed. "There aren't mutual feelings. Love feelings."

This time, Amelia shut down her book and literally grabbed the scientist's hands to hold them tight. She shrieked.

"Oh my God! You're in love with Jane and Jane has no idea! I can't believe this! So cute and yet so stupid. What are you, woman? Blind? Don't you see the way she looks at you and such? Ugh. Girls, we so have to do something for them."

Before she had a chance to add something, Maura found herself lost among a group of ecstatic – if not just hysterical – teenagers plotting a way to bring Jane and her together.

...

**7.45pm**

"They didn't have that wine you wanted so I got you..." Bottle in hand – grocery bag under one of her arms – Jane stopped and frowned. "Are you crying?"

Maura turned around and shook her head.

"Not really. I mean I am peeling onions. There is not a single trick that works on me to prevent this from happening. You know that my lacrymal glandes are a bit sensitive."

Jane put down the grocery bag on the counter of her kitchen and rolled her eyes.

"Then stop and let me do. I don't..." She lowered her voice, shrugged. "I don't like it when you sob." She cast a brief glance at Maura and pushed her playfully with her hip on a side. "Now tell me why we need to peel onions. What's that recipe again?"

Her eyes red and puffy, Maura went to open the bottle of wine that the detective had just bought and grabbed two glasses.

"_Tartiflette. _It is a French dish, typical from the mountain sides; with potatoes – ham – onions and cheese. We could add a bit of _crème fraîche _but there are enough calories like that in the original recipe."

"No kidding."

Jane's comment made Maura smile. The truth was that she hadn't been sure of how she would react when seeing her friend again after the way things had turned out at the orphanage with the teenagers. It was delicate and had been a torture for her when the Italian had asked her what she had done while she – herself – had been out to the park with a dozen of kids.

As if trying to slow down the teen girls' enthusiasm from trying to get them together wasn't enough to deal with.

If Jane ever learned about this project, Maura would die at the scene. Nobody had to know anything about her feelings. Certainly not Jane. The brunette would feel so embarrassed that she would have a hard time finding out what to say. And then there was the rest, collateral damages on their strong friendship.

"I'm dead tired. Don't you feel old too when this happens? There was a time when I used to go out on Saturday nights. Now I stay in with you to eat like a pig and enjoy a movie or just a chat while sipping on some white wine. A dog by my side."

"This is the natural evolution of things." Maura sat down on one of the stools opposite Jane and let a bright smile play on her lips as she locked her eyes with her friend's.

"Do you remember the last time Cailin dragged us out, one evening? It took me three weeks to recover. Nope..." Jane shook her head, busy peeling the onions. "I'm old but the truth is... The way things are now, I like it. I wouldn't switch back to the life I had fifteen years ago. I like spending my evenings at home with you."

A timid flame fickered in Jane's eyes as she shrugged and finally grabbed her glass of wine for a sip. She raised it in the air, smiled at Maura.

"To the companion of my Saturday nights. _Santé._"

The medical examiner laughed and bent over the counter to grab a tiny bite of cheese. Her gesture made Jane gasp and snap her wrist.

"Maura! If you eat it all before we even prepare properly your freaking dish, don't complain I end up ordering a pizza afterwards!"

"I am hungry!" Maura bit her lower lip and shook her head happily before grabbing a second bite of cheese; this time just to tease Jane a bit more.

She wouldn't switch her current life for anything in the world either. Not when it went like that.


	7. December, 7th

**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews.**

**December, 7th:**

_I remember the first time we celebrated her birthday. We had booked a table at a restaurant but because of a last-minute call, we had had to cancel and spend the evening instead by the harbor. _

_The crime scene was complex and we didn't get to leave before midnight. Of course by then, it was too late for us to find anything open but a pharmacy. So while she was filling papers to authorize guys from her team to take the bodies away, I ran to the corner of the street and bought a bottle of some cheap champagne as well as a pack of chips; two cupcakes and a single candle._

_That's how we did it, how we celebrated it. In my car. Just there, on the street. Drinking champagne out of the bottle and eating the rest of the groceries while listening to some music on the radio and talking our lives away. I learned a lot about her that night. Isn't it funny how such a peculiar place can be propicious to confidences? Around 4am, she went back to her car and drove away to Beacon Hill to catch a minimum of sleep before starting one of the autopsies the next morning. _

_I didn't sleep at all, that night. I kept on playing the scenario in my head over and over, how in this tiny car of mine we hadn't stopped talking about ourselves; letting the hours fly away. How we had not needed any restaurant – any fancy environment – to celebrate happily her birthday. _

_For me, it is surely one of the most memorable moments I have spent with her. I will never forget it. We got to be ourselves – in the barest light ever – and opened up about a thousand things. _

_I felt in love with her even more, that night. _

_A hot August night. Five years ago. We have gone through a lot more since that day – experienced plenty of things – but this improvised birthday and the conversation that had followed remains the best moment I have shared with Maura. The most cruel one too because as I watched her drive in the night – away from me – I felt as if a part was missing. I hadn't kissed her. I hadn't touched her. She wasn't mine. Not in the sense I was wishing for. _

_I never sent her the text message that the frenzy of my feelings had made me write after she had left me that night. For a long time, I kept it as a draft. I don't know why. _

_In the hope to send it to her at some point? I doubt so. It wouldn't make much sense, now. I am sure that she doesn't remember it the way I do. So the only thing I could send her right now would be these two words:_

_Thank you._

_As for the rest, it remains in my heart and makes me smile when I find my life to be a bit too dark._

**7am**

Jane barely had time to open her eyes that Maura rolled over and ended up in her arms. Surprised – taken aback by the sudden and intimate contact – the Italian looked down and let go of her arm over her friend's head. The scientist was still sleeping.

Not daring to move an inch to not wake her up, Jane rolled her eyes and tried to settle comfortably; her face inches away from Maura's hair. She could feel her breath – hot – caress her neck; her lips brush her sensitive skin, there.

The honey blonde slid a leg between hers and rested a hand on her lower stomach. Jane swallowed hard. This was not how she had imagined her Sunday morning to go.

But as if the situation weren't delicate enough, Maura began to move her pelvis – slightly – against the detective's hip in consecutive motions; her hand sliding down Jane's stomach dangerously. The brunette widened her eyes in panic.

Now that was one effective way to wake up. She was mortified. Unable to think about a way to gently push Maura away.

The blonde's repetitive – and rather suggestive even if subconscious – movement pushed Jane's leg a bit further as Maura's knee came to rest up on her inner thigh. Jane closed her eyes, made a face. This had to be a joke.

She had rarely gone through more cruel torture.

As Maura's knee brushed her center, she literally jolted and held her breath. She had to stop it one way or another. This wasn't possible. The honey blonde wasn't conscious of what she was doing – obviously – and Jane couldn't remain still, enjoying thus a bit too much the repetitive contact with her inner core. It was wrong.

Yet atrociously tempting.

As she opened her eyes again, Jane realized that her breath had turned rough. She was aroused if not just panting already before the teasing touch.

In a desperate attempt to fight against it, she released her arm from under Maura's head and slid out of bed quietly. She rushed to her bathroom and locked the door behind her before stepping directly in the shower; her shirt and boxer shorts landing on the floor within a second.

The contact with the water didn't calm her down. She had reached this point of no-return when she had no other choice but to finish what had been started; subconsciously or not.

Feeling somewhat guilty, she closed her eyes and pressed her back against the wall. Her hand slid between her legs; drops of hot water brushing her skin through a thousand quiet caresses.

She had never done that with Maura in the room next door. A wave of shame invaded her as she let her fingers increase their pace to drive her on the edge. She bit her lips, swallowed back a wave of tears. It was wrong but then she hadn't started it. It was just an accident and nothing else.

But now she couldn't help it.

"Jane?"

Maura's voice startled her. She opened back her eyes – took her hand off her legs immediately – and grabbed the wall instead. A bottle of shampoo fell down. She made a face.

"Yeah? I'm in the shower." She rolled her eyes at her shaking voice.

"Why did you lock the door? You don't lock it, usually..."

Fair enough although usually, she didn't find escape under the shower to finish what Maura had – in her sleep – started. Yet before she had a chance to find something relevant to say, her friend decided to speak again.

"I am going to prepare breakfast. Take your time."

...

**8am**

French toast in hand, Jane sat up in bed and turned her head around to frown at Maura.

Breakfast in bed was a tradition both women kept for themselves; too ashamed to recognize the latent oddness of it.

"So you're basically telling me that you went to swim naked at 11pm at the age of 14?" Jane blinked and smirked. "I refuse to believe that you weren't popular at school. Not if you did this."

"I had lost a bet! I am a fair player, you should know this." Giggling away such memory, the honey blonde took a sip of her tea then shrugged. "It didn't make me popular, just honest."

Jane rose an unconvincing eyebrow but didn't add anything. As suggested, she had taken her time in the bathroom while Maura had prepared breakfast. Not that she had needed time to wash her hair – or dry it afterwards – but she simply hadn't been able to face her friend right after what had ocurred. But now things were back to normal. Or so.

She kept a reasonable distance with Maura in spite of being in bed with her.

"You never did something like this when you were younger?"

"No." Jane shook her head and repressed a laugh at what looked like an incongruous question to her. "Going around naked was not _that_ fancy at my school, believe it or not."

"I am not necessarily talking about a situation that would include nudity. I don't know... You never had sex with your boyfriend at school?"

Jane choked on her orange juice and coughed loudly. As a matter of fact, she had never had sex as a high-school student at all. A few guys only had showed interest in her but not enough for her to feel like doing it with any of them. She had waited for junior college but felt now too ashamed to say it. Maura wouldn't mock her but she obviously owned a very different background on the matter.

The medical examiner's cell phone resounded loud in the room. Jane sighed of relief. Saved by the bell. Reluctantly, Maura got out of bed and walked to her bag abandoned by the door. She grabbed the item and took the call.

"Fine. I will be there immediately."

As the medical examiner nodded at her interlocutor before putting an end to the call, Jane frowned at her friend.

"I didn't know that you were on call."

The blonde took her shirt off – turned around to grab her bra – and put it on. The sudden gesture – unexpected – made Jane blush. She looked down immediately and focused on the breakfast tray.

"I am, more or less. Dr. Anderson is sick so I am replacing him." Top on, Maura discarded her pj's bottom and grabbed the skirt she had neatly put on a chair nearby the evening before. "There won't be any autopsy today, though. So you can stop by in the afternoon. I should be home by then." Lost among her monologue – abandoned to what seemed to be a daily routine – she walked back to the bed and stole a toast before winking at Jane. "See you later!"

And then she bent over to plant a kiss on her friend's lips.

The honey blonde froze as she realized what she had just done. What had happened in her head that she had dared to lean over to kiss Jane? It was just a peck but still. It had been unannounced. Not necessary.

Yet it had simply come up by itself, naturally.

Mortified, she avoided Jane's gaze and rushed to the door of the bedroom before mumbling a couple of inaudible words. She grabbed her bag – tried to calm down her breath – and left; not daring to exchange a single glance with her friend.


	8. December, 8th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all your reactions - right now for Jane and Maura, I'd say it's one step forward, two steps backwards.**

**December, 8th:**

_I kissed her. Not fully nor with great abandon but still. I kissed her on the lips. It wasn't planned, definitely not voluntary. I got lost in the moment – retrieving my belongings – and before I realized what I was doing, I had kissed her. It is the first time that it happens. I have never done that before nor has she. A stolen one on the cheek, yes. Plenty of times. But not on the lips as I did. _

_It didn't last very long so I hope that she will not interpret it as something else than my stupidity. It means nothing. It doesn't have to. I didn't try to seduce her, I didn't succumb to any desire. It is just a mishap, a ridiculous and so embarrassing one._

_She made me watch a movie once that tells the story of a girl who falls in love with her friend. At the end – while the screen was turning black again – she told me how miserable such love could be. _

_It was probably a key-moment for me. Not that I had nourished hopes before that but it was now way too clear that Jane would never see in me something else than a friend; a mere friend. A good one but definitely not the delicate strength of a lover. _

_It didn't break my heart, no. Reality simply put things back into order to remind me that it was fine to have some dreams but that I didn't have to expect from them to become concrete. Perhaps such kiss was just the disapproval of my subconscious yelling that it wasn't true; that things could be a tad different. Who knows? The only sure thing is that I feel ashamed, uncertain of the way I should now face Jane. _

_She is going to pretend that nothing happened. Somehow, it makes me feel relieved but deep inside this isn't the truth and we both know it. May the passing of time help us to overcome it. This is not disastrous – even less the end of the world – but it doesn't help an already complicated friendship._

_I am not good at handling human relationships. There is a reason why I have decided to work with the dead. They don't judge me. They don't ask anything but me to speak for them, to build a bridge between them and their families; and the forces. But they are always peaceful. They accept me the way I am; with all this oddness that people who are alive don't know what to do with. I guess that – to an extent – I scare them. _

_That's why I have taken my distance with society, to an extent._

_I can't afford the same to happen with Jane. It adds a lot of stress – especially combined to all these feelings – but there is no way that I destroy this incredible relation we have. _

_For once, someone has the capacity to make me feel like being listened at. She takes me as I am. _

_Small wonder why she means so much to me._

**8.45am**

Wearing her usual black scrubs, Maura stepped out of her personal bathroom and walked a very last time to her desk to check potential messages that would have been left while she was changing. She sighed, rubbed her nape. The night had been short. She hadn't slept well at all.

Jane hadn't showed up at her place the day before. Expected after that kiss coming from nowhere. It was obvious that the Italian was now trying to find a way to sound casual again when they crossed each other.

The medical examiner closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was not the right time to think about all this. She had an autopsy to practice and reports to revise. A full day of work. Honestly, it was everything she could ask for; the best way to forget about the silent chaos of the day before.

"Maura?"

She turned around – surprised – and smiled at Angela who was standing by the door frame. She had not heard her arrive.

"How are you, this morning? May I help you?"

The matriarch pouted and made a step into the office. She seemed uncertain of the way she should say the words that were somewhat burning her lips. Crossing her arms against her chest, she stared at an invisible point behind the honey blonde.

"Have you seen Jane?"

As much as the question couldn't be more casual, it made Maura blush. She immediately shook her head and cleared her voice out of nervousness.

Would it be like that, now? Would she feel way too embarrassed when someone mentioned her friend? It was ridiculous. Why couldn't she simply turn the page? This kiss didn't mean the slightest thing.

"As a matter of fact, I haven't."

Angela frowned and pursed her lips. Obviously, she didn't seem much satisfied of the answer. She plunged her hands in the pockets of her pants.

"Has something happened?" It was a bit abrupt – direct – but she hadn't found any other way to tell it. "You didn't see each other, yesterday."

"We both have our respective lives, you know. We spend a lot of time together already. Isn't it quite normal to have an afternoon far from each other?" Not really at ease, Maura grabbed a file and with determination walked towards the door. She didn't like the way the conversation was turning into.

"Of course. But usually when it happens, you have breakfast together the day after." Angela paused. "You didn't, this morning." She raised a hand in the air to sweep away her remark and turned on her heels but as she reached the corridor, the matriarch stopped and turned her head to look at Maura. "Jane cares a lot about you, you know. Really a lot. She is just not very good at expressing it. Don't hold it against her. It is the way she has always been."

...

**6pm**

Focused on Daniela's gestures, Jane rested her chin on the palm of her hand and squinted her eyes at the adolescent. Sitting next to her, Maura looked just as confused; lost.

The rest of the group - however - seemed rather amused.

"I'm afraid I have no idea what kind of movie you're miming. I mean... It's a movie, right?" Jane sat up and sighed loudly before running a hand through her hair. Playing _Taboo_ was not turning into the fun activity she had assumed that it would be in the first place. She turned to Maura. "Any idea?"

The scientist shook her head.

"No... Love? Loving? We got the heart, Daniela. It is the second part of your mime that we have a hard time to understand."

A couple of teenagers giggled in her back. She turned around and stared at them. As if she had not been stressed enough to drive all the way to _The Home For Little Wanderers _to spend a few hours with Jane – outside of work, which meant that she couldn't hide behind any excuse to avoid a rather obvious embarrassment – she also had to face the possibility that the teenagers of the orphanage were plotting against her.

And she knew why. They hadn't let go of their ridiculous plan to get them together. Thankfully – or not, Maura wasn't sure – they weren't too blatant about it.

"Oh my God! I know! It's _Loving Annabelle_!"

Maura made a face. Alright. Perhaps they weren't as discreet as she had assumed them to be. Doing her best to not roll her eyes nor moan of despair, she politely nodded at Grace - one of the teenagers - who had given the answer.

"Well done."

"Such a great movie. Nice story. Don't you think so, Jane?"

The Italian turned around to look at the adolescent but found herself stuttering. She cast a very brief glance at Maura – for help – and swallowed hard. They had barely talked, today.

As much as she tried to pretend that nothing had happened, her behavior showed the exact opposite and she was quite miserably failing which went on her nerves. A lot.

"Ahem... Actually, I'm not sure... I'm not sure I saw it...?"

Amelia gasped before a smirk curling up her lips. She was way too delighted to Maura's taste and Jane's utter confusion.

Why had the girls to suggest her a board game when she could have spent some time with the boys outside or even just watching a game on television?

"Why, Maura..." Amelia winked at the honey blonde. "I'm sure you saw it, right? What do you think of it?"

Maura swallowed hard.

"_About_. We say 'what do you think _about_'. And yes, I have – indeed – watched it." Playing with the hem of her sleeve, she shrugged at Jane. "It tells the story of a student who falls in love with her... With her teacher. Her female teacher."

The brunette blinked – took a deep breath – and nodded politely; trying to ignore the giggles on her back. Volunteering would be long, today. Long and confusing.

Yet an hour and a half later, she finally passed the doors of the orphanage along with Maura. It was a very cold evening; the wind blowing hard. She crossed her arms against her chest and forced the words to come out.

"So... I'm going back to work, now. Last-minute change in my schedule. Being nice to Frost who is going on a date with some girl."

Maura smiled.

"This is really nice of you, Jane."

The brunette shrugged and looked at her car parked a bit further down the street. She motioned at it and turned on her heels; ready to leave.

"Oh well, you know... It's not like I had anything planned tonight. That's fine. Gotta go, now."

Maura nodded but as her friend started walking away, she called her name a bit too desperately to her own taste. Jane stopped and turned around. The honey blonde cleared her voice.

"Would you like to go to the opera house, tomorrow night? I have an extra ticket and I would love it if you came with me." Realizing suddenly that it sounded a bit too much like a date and that it was really not something that Jane liked doing, Maura looked down at her shoes; feeling sorry.

And yet.

"Sure."

The blonde looked up only to see Jane smile brightly; the Italian's hoarse voice sweeping away the silence that had preceeded her answer.


	9. December, 9th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews!**

**December, 9th:**

_She kissed me and I don't know why. It just happened. She was about to leave and for whatever reason, she bent over then kissed me. It didn't last very long. As a matter of fact, I think it can pass for an innocent goodbye one but... It took me aback. Maura took me aback._

_And hurt me._

_She has no idea what she is doing to me. It makes me angry. Perhaps it is stupid and I am the one to blame but damn, it is a torture. A pure torture. Her lips brushed mine for a few seconds only to dare and remind me afterwards that nothing will ever happen between us. _

_I watched her leave and all of a sudden, I burst into tears. I didn't get up of the whole day. I stayed in bed and cried away what I now see as unfair cruelty. Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend? _

_Why can't I live – for once – a beautiful and peaceful story?_

_I have never been lucky in love. Always falling for the wrong guy, always feeling some sort of latent attraction for the only girl in the room who wouldn't even look at me. I suffered a lot and did force myself in many relations I should have avoided. I guess I simply wanted to fit in, to do what people expected from me. I have been wrong, haven't I? From the beginning to the end. _

_I don't mind if I end up single. Ma' won't like it. She will be the one who will suffer from it, not me. It seems logical, now. Too clear. I am stubborn but not stupid. Why should I keep on suffering and a bit out of nowhere hurt myself pretending to be someone I am not? I don't want to look in the mirror and face a stranger anymore. I am tired of it. _

_Yet what to do? Take my distance with Maura? No way. She might hurt me, it isn't voluntary. And I need her, to go on; with or without unexpected kisses on my lips. So what is left out of this mess? _

_The truth? _

_I would never dare. This isn't possible. How would it solve my problem, anyway? I am certain that it would only make everything worse. She kissed me innocently, without any double-thinking. Why should I let her know that it meant a lot more to me? She would feel embarrassed, and ridiculous._

_I love you, Maura. I am in love with you. And I apologize for it because you have never asked for anything. You have been thrown in this mess without even knowing it. You aren't responsible of the pain that is currently tightening my heart; the one your kiss stirred up. You are only the victim._

_The victim of my ridiculous and selfish feelings._

**8pm**

"I'm sorry I'm late! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Jane rushed up the main staircase and headed straight to Maura who was waiting by the balcony. She smiled - adjusted the dress that she was wearing for the occasion - and straightened up.

"I should be the one apologizing."

The brunette abandoned the contemplation of what looked like mayonnaise on her black dress and looked up at her friend; astonished.

"Why? You forgot the tickets?"

Maura burst out laughing and shook her head. She grabbed Jane's arm to lead her towards the main door opened right in front of them. People were already walking inside. The opera should start any minute now.

"No... I just assume that you would prefer to be anywhere else, tonight. Probably watching a game. Accompanying a friend to the opera house is certainly not on your wish list, is it? I shouldn't have asked you, not the way I did... I basically forced you to accept. I am sorry."

The smile that began to light up Jane's lips highlighted her sweet timidity. She waited for Maura to show the tickets to the usher who took them to their respective seats to give a honest answer.

"Actually, I've always wanted to see a ballet during the Christmas season." But as the honey blonde widened her eyes in shock, Jane raised her index finger to stop her immediately. "Once. Once in a lifetime." She cleared her voice, a bit worried. "And there's no need for you to say it to anyone like at work and all."

"If I had known... I would have taken you to _Swan Lake_ or _The Nutcracker_. These are the classic ones for the holidays."

Looking all around – admiring the auditorium she had visited once as a child with her school of music – Jane shrugged away her friend's comment. The truth was that she had been ecstatic when Maura had invited her; not because of what they would see but because they would be together. It had sounded reassuring after the uncertainty following their awkward Sunday kiss.

Maura had given a sign. She had turned the page and wanted to go on. Jane felt relieved, somehow. Yet deep inside, she had the unpleasant feeling that – perhaps – she had missed the biggest occasion of her life.

But they were on a date, right now. The medical examiner might not see it the same way but secretly, that was how Jane had defined their evening.

"_Tristan and Isolde_ isn't really contemporary as far as I know..."

Maura smiled and closed her eyes before taking a deep breath. Her murmur rose in the air, softly; bitterly.

"_Fold your arms round me close and strain me so that our hearts may break and our souls go free at last. Take me to that happy place of which you told me long ago. The fields whence none return, but where great singers sing their songs forever._"

Jane frowned and looked up from the programme she had been leafing through. She raised a rather confused eyebrow at Maura who had squinted her eyes – as if observing something in the distance – and was now focused on the heavy curtains.

"What?"

Peacefully, Maura turned her head and smiled at the Italian. She pressed her hand tightly, softly.

"I was just quoting the novel. Haven't you read it?"

Jane frowned and bit her lips. She did know the synopsis – the story of an impossible love – but she didn't think that she had actually read it. Not that she was in the mood for it, anyway. She knew way too much already about impossible love stories by experience.

"I don't think so, no."

The auditorium turned dark, preventing thus Maura from adding anything. But the smile that played on her lips turned out to be worth a thousand sentences.

...

**11pm**

"I can't believe it..." Jane rolled her eyes and sobbed, looking desperately for a handkerchief. "And don't say that to anyone either, okay? Nobody needs to know that this opera made me cry like a baby."

Maura repressed a laugh and took a Kleenex out of her bag. She held it out to her friend and cast a glance at the cafe on her right. It was late but she didn't feel like going home. Not yet. The evening had been perfect and she wanted to make it last. As she opened her mouth to speak, a snow drop – light and cold – landed on her upper lip. She let it melt quietly.

"Would you like to have a drink?"

"I have the eyes of a rabbit, Maura. People are gonna stare at me!" Trying to control the mess such tears had probably caused on her mascara, Jane pressed the Kleenex just under her eyes. "I must be looking like some crazy cat lady."

The scientist pushed the door of the cafe and invited Jane to come in.

"You own a dog. You can't be a cat lady."

"Not yet..." Jane looked around and motioned at the bathroom door. "Now if you'll excuse me. I so need to get rid of what's left of my non-waterproof mascara."

Maura nodded – amused – and went to sit down at a table while the detective rushed to the bottom of the room. She hadn't expected Jane to react so strongly to the opera. It was a beautiful one – she had to recognize it – but it was the first time that she saw her friend cry before a fiction. Yet she loved it. She loved it when Jane showed her vulnerability. She had the sentiment to be trusted, by then. The Italian was being herself and didn't try to hide anything.

"Good evening. May I take your order?"

She looked up and smiled at the waitress.

"A glass of _Brouilly_, please."

The woman nodded before motioning at the seat next to hers; the one on which Jane had abandoned her coat in a hurry.

"Do you know what your lady wants?"

Taken aback, Maura remained silent for long seconds; uncertain of whether she had heard right. The room was crowded and noisy, she might have mistaken the waitress' words. The meaning hiding not so subtly behind the use of 'yours'.

"Excuse me?"

The waitress smiled warmly.

"Your... Partner? The brunette whom arm you were holding when walking in, the one who rushed to the bathroom with a handkerchief against her eyes. Do you know what she wants to drink?"

Maura giggled nervously. What was it that everyone lately assumed that she and Jane were a couple, exactly? Although at the same time, she hadn't even realized that she had been holding Jane's arm. Blushing - yet secretly delighted - she nodded at the employee.

"A beer. She will have a beer. And a portion of French fries."

The waitress nodded and turned around but Maura stopped her immediately.

"No! Wait! Make it two. Two portions of French fries, please. A beer and a glass of _Brouilly_."


	10. December, 10th

**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews; I know the burn is really slow, so I promise to make it speed up a bit very soon.**

**December, 10th:**

_I refuse to believe that life is hard. Perhaps I am only lying to myself but – deep inside – I think it is actually harsh. The nuance is paramount. Our days are made of beautiful surprises and terrible – burning – disappointments but in the end, there should always be hope. For something better, a bit brighter. It is only important that we keep in mind – all along – that it won't turn into a fairytale of some sort. It isn't how it is supposed to be._

_On several occasions, I thought that I was going to lose Jane. Injuries, critical situations. Choices over her romantic life that could have brought us apart. It weakened me every single time before a glimmer of hope made me look straight ahead again. Chin up, as we say. Then an incredible – very odd – strength passed underneath my skin. _

_On the moment, time seems to get suspended. I lose all my references and focus on the thin link that keeps me connected to Jane. I saw her get shot and stabbed. I saw her life starting to leave her own body. _

_There is nothing more frightening than looking – disarmed – at the person you love slowly let death take her away. _

_It is the risk, though. Danger is part of her job, some situations can't be avoided. But still... At times I wish we went away – together – and forget all the rest. We would go far from Boston and resign._

_I want to protect her because I couldn't afford to see her die. And this is my biggest fear; way above incomprehensible – spontaneous – kisses and untold feelings. What will happen when one of us gets to pass away? Would she be able to go on without me? I have some doubts about it. I really do. _

_As for me, I know for a fact that I would let go of everything. _

_I am not afraid of committing suicide; not if Jane has gone away. My life makes no sense if she isn't around. It would only be a patchwork of pain, of silent lies if I stuck to a semblance of life. _

_But I shouldn't be thinking about that. No. She is healthy, so am I. She isn't in love with me but what we have – right now – is the most beautiful scheme for an unbelievable story. I enjoy every moment – every single one – and this is all I care about, in the end. There is nobody else coming in between us. It is just us. The two of us._

_The way it should be._

_She even called me 'my Maura', yesterday. We were at the cafe after Tristan and Isolde and all of a sudden, she said it. It probably has very little meaning to her but it warmed up my heart and gave me the strength I needed right on the moment. She has a way to soften my days without knowing it. Jane is my magician, my best remedy. _

_So how could I keep on living if she happened to abandon me?_

**4pm**

"No! Joe... Don't touch this." Jane rushed to the teenager boy and grabbed the file he had picked up on a desk. She shook her head angrily. "This isn't a movie set. All these things are real and you are not supposed to touch any. It's private property. Okay?"

The boy rolled his eyes but raised his hands up in the air to let her understand that he had got it. She didn't need to lecture him any longer. Reassured and trying to sound nicer, Jane nodded at him, cast a brief glance at the whole group.

What an idea Maura had had to offer the orphans a visit of the BPD, especially when she was not in the building herself. Okay, her absence resulted from a last-minute change of schedule but still. Jane was now dealing alone with it and she had no idea what to show them. The only good point is that it allowed her to take a break from paperwork.

"So this room is called..."

"Can we see the morgue?"

Jane frowned at Amelia. If the BPD wasn't a place for adolescents, the morgue was even less one. And Maura wasn't there. Shaking her head, the brunette repressed a yawn then plunged her hands in the pockets of her pants.

"I'm afraid we can't. The Chief Medical Examiner isn't there and – let's face it – it's not the MoMa."Jane laughed but nobody followed her joke. She sighed. "It's too creepy. And you can't walk in like that. Everyone isn't admitted."

Grace crossed her arms against her chest and pouted.

"But we want to see where Maura works! C'mon, at least her office. There's no dead body, there... I am sure that you can come in any time you want. You two are _very_ close."

Embarrassed before the way the teenager had insisted on the adverb of quantity, Jane ran a hand through her hair and looked around for help. She didn't want to lie to the teens and what Grace had said was true.

Yet she didn't like much the idea.

"I don't know..."

"Rizzoli! Volunteering at work, today, I see!" Couple of files in hand, Cavanaugh passed the door of his office and nodded politely at the small crowd gathered in the open space. "You and Dr. Isles will be working on Saturday night, right?"

Jane nodded, not really paying attention to what her boss was saying.

"The senator just called. Looks like he'll pay us a little visit around 8pm by then. Make sure to be wearing your nicest smile." Cavanaugh turned around after waving at the teenagers and walked out the room.

"You work with the senator?"

Jane snorted and shrugged at David, one of the kids who had asked her such question. She made a face, repressed the desire to sound too harsh.

"For. I work _for_ him, let's be honest here."

"So... Can we go and see Maura's office, now? It won't be long but we surely want to have a look at it. It's not like we can see the Chief Medical Examiner's office every day."

Annoyed before Amelia's urging but not wanting to disappoint children whose life was honestly not so easy, Jane finally nodded and walked with the group towards the elevator. A dozen of people. It could be a quick visit.

"Okay but don't touch anything, there. Maura would have a nervous breakdown if she found one of her pens on the right of her phone instead of it being on the left."

The group went down to the morgue in a relative silence.

The Italian waved at Maura's administrative assistant as they passed by her desk before stopping in front of her friend's office. She opened the door – stepped in – and let everyone follow her inside.

And then she froze.

An enormous bouquet of red roses had been put on the desk; a white envelope remaining unopened. She cleared her throat nervously – hoped that her blushing would pass unnoticed – and looked down at her feet; feeling the sudden urge to run away. Who had sent flowers to Maura? The honey blonde only bought white lilies for herself. She would have never gone for roses.

Of course, the flowers didn't pass unnoticed. Grace raised an eyebrow at them and smirked before approaching the desk.

"I see that Dr. Isles has some fans..."

"Yeah well..." Embarrassed – hurt, as ridiculous as this could be – Jane took a deep breath, stared at the bouquet then swallowed hard. She clenched her fists. "She happens to have a life outside of this office, you know."

Her own words hit the air with all the harshness of reality. They stabbed her like a multitude of tiny pieces of glass; running through her heart, cutting her breath.

Who had sent Maura flowers? Had she met someone? If so then Jane hadn't been told. Not that she liked it when the scientist let her know but at least it meant that she trusted her. This time, she hadn't said the slightest thing. And it hurt. It hurt like crazy.

"Are we done?" Her hoarse voice resounded sharply through the room. She turned around and cast a glance at the group that had scattered in the office to observe books and African masks. "Let's go, now."

"Do you know when she comes back?" Amelia smiled peacefully at Jane and tilted her head on a side. She looked oddly amused, curious.

Jane shook her head and bit the inside of her cheeks. Anger was boiling in her lower stomach. She felt ridiculous. Her reaction was childish. Why did she have to be so jealous? She didn't even know the context of such bouquet. Perhaps it was nothing. It could even come from Constance.

She looked at the white envelope and blinked. Her fingers burnt for her not being allowed to just go and open it. To understand, to read whatever message was on it.

What would happen, then? What would she do if it turned out to be some romantic missive? It was none of her business. Maura had her life and it was fair enough.

"No. Maybe you didn't realize it but she and I aren't married. We're not constantly together. She can do what she wants, when she wants."

And obviously, that was what Maura was exactly doing.

Pushing everyone outside a bit hastily, Jane slammed the door closed and – teeth clenched – walked down the corridor towards the elevator.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. If it hadn't been for the teenagers following her right now, she would have burst into tears.


	11. December, 11th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews (and sorry for the frustration that comes within the story).**

**December, 11th:**

_I am a jealous person. I can't help it. The problem here is that Maura is just a friend. We are not in a relationship, I have no right to react the way I do at times with her. _

_It isn't fair and she must think that I am childish by then. _

_I should keep in mind that my behavior could weigh a lot on our relation. On our friendship. Maybe one day, she will get tired of my attitude and will leave me. I will be the one to blame. I have always been. And it will be too late. I will find myself alone with regrets and an anger towards myself that I would have a hard time to properly control. _

_Living without Maura... I don't even want to think about that._

_I got flowers as well. The same bouquet, red roses. And a mysterious message asking me to make it to Faneuil Hall on Christmas Eve at 6pm. _

_Is it a mere coincidence? It doesn't make sense.__Perhaps I am analyzing the whole thing way too much and I am starting to build scenarios in my head that have nothing to do with reality. _

_I didn't ask Maura about her own bouquet and since she didn't tell me about it by herself, I have decided to remain quiet. __It hurts to say this but it is none of my business. She has her life – without me – and I have to accept it._

_The message wasn't signed. Thankfully, the roses got delivered at my place and not at the BPD. My colleagues would have had a blast about it. Working in a male environment is quite a challenge to not say something else. So if I can keep mysterious strangers' flowers at bay from my office, it is a perfect thing. _

_Meet me at Faneuil Hall on Christmas Eve_

_At 6_

_It didn't soothe my jealousy towards Maura's bouquet. It can't come from the same person. It would not make sense at all. Hers probably comes from an acquaintance if not just an ex. _

_Needless to say nobody from my past tries to ever reach me again. _

_Nobody lures at me. Maura always has some guy flirting with her, she attracts them without even noticing it. I remain in the shadows when by her side. She is the light, the brightest one. _

_It is her smile, her slight awkwardness when socializing. I look awfully insipid, utterly normal and boring while she brings something special._

_She hasn't been happy in love but I guess it is only because she doesn't know how to make the right choice. She has an endless list of possibilities. She simply doesn't know it. I only have a couple of hopeless guys with impossible situations from which I will leave in pain; weakened._

_That's why I know that she will find someone. Sadly._

**7pm**

"Can you raise your arm?"

Wincing in pain, Jane tried but renounced rather quickly. She sighed – annoyed – and rolled a pair of very dark eyes at Maura.

"I know what you're gonna say but it's a no-go. I won't have x-rays. The shelf fell down on me and I feel sore but tomorrow's another day. Anyway, it can hardly get worse."

It wasn't true but she didn't feel like going to the hospital. Not for a bruised shoulder. Sitting on her friend's couch, she focused on the flames that were dancing in the fireplace and pursed her lips.

"Fine..." Maura took a deep breath, nodded. "Then you will at least take a hot bath and I will try to soothe the pain with a massage. I am going to prepare it all. You can relax here in the meantime."

Without waiting for a reply – a complain, better said – the medical examiner stood up and rushed to the stairs that led to the first floor of her house. She had heard about the accident earlier in the day – in the middle of the afternoon – but a car crash had kept her busy at the morgue. She had had to go and wait to be back home to see Jane pass the door, her face distorted by pain.

Guilt. Maura had felt guilt for not having taken a break between two autopsies to check – a couple of floors above – how the brunette was doing.

Things had drastically sped up since their evening at the opera house. Work had kept her very busy, to the point that she had barely cast a glance at the mysterious bouquet of red roses on her desk nor taken the time to analyze the mysterious message on the card.

At first, she had hoped that it came – ridiculously enough – from Jane; a spontaneous act to thank her for the opera but as she had read the missive, Maura's hopes had melted.

Nobody had signed it. It was weird.

"Jane? Come upstairs!"

Maura was busy checking the essential oils she would use when the detective timidly stepped in and cast a glance at the bathroom.

"You don't have to do this, you know."

Jane took her shoes off and walked to the edge of the tub to sit on it, looking at the water filling the delicate porcelain. She let her fingers brush the hot water. It was all she needed, though. A relaxing bath. She only owned a shower at her place. But asking her friend to use her tub from time to time seemed a bit too strange.

"You put a giantic amount of soap. Of bubble soap, I mean..."

Maura blushed and looked down. It was the only subterfuge she had found to remain in the same room as her friend while she would be naked, lying in her bath. Jane was prude when it came to nudity. The honey blonde wanted her to feel at ease.

"You can go in. I leave you alone and will be back in five minutes or so."

Jane nodded and waited for the door to be closed to get undressed. She rushed into the water – her teeth clenched to repress a scream as she almost scolded herself – and tried to dive as deeply as she could in the bath.

The situation seemed incongruous, a brain new torture session for her. The worst of all was that Maura was only trying to help. How could she know about the rest?

A knock on the door made the Italian jump of surprise.

"May I come in now?"

...

**7.30pm**

Focused on the damp shoulder – trying to ignore the tempting nape – Maura swallowed hard and shifted her position on the cushions she had put on the floor. Why had she suggested this? Had she lost her mind? Giving a massage to Jane while she was having a bath went beyond cruelty. As a matter of fact, she almost felt like crying.

"You're very quiet..." Jane's nervous laugh rose in the air only to fall flat again. Staring straight in front of her, she made abstraction of the whirl of feelings stirred up by Maura's fingers on her hot and wet skin.

"I just want you to relax so I suppose that it is not the best time for me to annoy you with my stories you find so pointless."

Jane tilted her head on a side and pouted.

She wasn't – indeed – in the mood for any fun fact. It would cost her too much of her concentration when she already put the majority of her efforts in the idea of not turning around to capture a bit too passionately her friend's lips. The massage was awfully arousing.

The context – a bubble bath, a dimmed light – was the perfect dream for that, sadly.

"I've been thinking about _Tristan and Isolde_."

Jane's confession made Maura freeze. She hadn't expected that. The opera had definitely moved her friend but she wouldn't have imagined that two days later, it would still haunt her mind.

"How?" She closed her eyes as her fingertips brushed Jane's shoulder, following their curves and nourishing themselves of the Italian's hot skin.

"Do you think that love always triumphes and if so – while fighting against society – takes us to the most terrible decision? To death...? Do you think that the triumph of love lies in death and thus in a tragedy?"

"I wish..."

Jane turned around – barely caring about covering her chest with the bubbles – and frowned at her friend; worried. She shook her head.

"You wish it brought us to death? Really? Isn't that pessimistic? Awfully... Negative?"

Maura opened her mouth to reply but found herself rather speechless. Her latest remark had come up by itself. She hadn't thought about it, hadn't controlled the words. Surprised by Jane's sudden – spontaneous – movement in the tub that forced her into a face-to-face she wasn't ready for, she just shrugged then looked aside.

"I guess... I guess that the most important is honesty. Isn't it better to live the happiest story ever – even if it only lasts two hours – than the most painful, endless relationship? Tristan and Isolde are brave and honest about their feelings. The end is tragic for us who look at it from the outside but not for them. They remain together for the eternity. That is all they wanted."

Jane squinted her eyes at Maura and pondered the idea. Slowly, her gaze fell down to the scientist's lips. The pale light of the room and the steam made them glimmer. They were so close, tempting.

"Maybe..." Her murmur barely hit the air as she bent over just an inch before taking her distance again as reality set off an alarm in her head.

She turned around again - cleared her voice – and took a deep breath; trying to ignore what she had almost done. Maura resumed the massage in silence, swallowing back her very own honesty over her feelings.


	12. December, 12th

**Author's note: thank you for all your reviews!**

**December, 12th:**

_All my life, I have been asked to be more expressive. Since I am a child, people keep on telling me that I should speak out loud and say how I feel. They think that it could bring me relief but if I have changed a couple of things regarding this, I know that I can't apply it to every single situation that I may face at one point or another. _

_My love for Jane is one of them. She knows that I care – a lot – about her. She knows that she is one of the most important person in my life. But my real feelings – the ones that I hide – remain untold. _

_People think that we have a strange relationship. As a matter of fact, they have even stopped calling it 'friendship'. There is something too borderline about it for them; even for myself, actually. But the singular bond we have is – for me – a real blessing, no matter how blurry it might be._

_I have thought about the reasons why of such peculiarity many times already. The only conclusion I got from these moments is a logical effect of closeness because of the very stressing situations Jane and I went through, together. _

_It can't but bring us closer and closer. Most of people don't experience half of what we had to face. That's why they can't understand our connection, our relation. Sadly, it has nothing to do with the idea that there would be something more. Because there is not._

_Jane isn't in love with me. _

_I accept it. Now I just wish that the adolescents of the orphanage would understand it because their insistence is tough to handle. Of course, they don't realize it; they don't see how their words bring a lot of pain to me. I don't blame them but still... If only they could realize that there is nothing to plot about except for my demise._

_I don't know what happened when they visited the BPD but Jane seemed odd at the end of the day; not really here, with me. I didn't dare to ask her, even less let her know about the 'conspiracy'. This is way too complicated for me to actually share it with her. _

_I am simply afraid that they pushed her and I know that she doesn't like it. She doesn't feel at ease by then and she tends to withdraw into herself which is what was happening a few hours after the visit. Perhaps I should have been firm – authoritative – with the adolescents instead of not really insisting over the fact that they should just give up. _

_I have my part of responsibility over something that I don't control and which form is unknown from me. _

_Obviously, I shouldn't have accepted this volunteering. Why do I always end up regretting my choices? Especially when they are Jane related._

**3.30pm**

"Jeez... Slow down, Maura! Slow down!" Clutched to her friend's hand, Jane tried to focus on the path right in front of her; hoping that nobody would trouble her already precarious balance.

Maura's light and contagious laugh rose in the air. She turned her head around. Big hazel eyes and pink cheeks welcomed Jane. The brunette swallowed hard. The scientist's beauty seemed to reflect in her current happiness; borderline feeling to a sudden lightness.

"I know what I am doing, Jane. I was four years old, the first time I went ice skating. Needless to say that I don't have any issue to keep a good balance on an ice rink."

The Italian pouted. It was true – and she knew it for a fact as they went ice skating every December together – but this was not a reason to go that fast either. The place was crowded. People bumped in each other a bit too easily. A second of inattention and they could find themselves on the floor.

"It isn't funny if we don't speed up a bit." Maura frowned and put her hands on her hips. "This is so not like you, Jane. You are usually the one who rushes head first into things. Shouldn't you be happy that – for once – I follow your rules?"

As much as she knew that her friend was teasing her, Jane had to recognize that it was true. Yet she couldn't help it.

Clumsily, she pointed at her knee and held her breath as she started losing her poor balance. She closed her eyes for a brief moment to focus on not falling down and finally shook her head.

"1982. Gabriella D'Agostino. Six stitches. 'Nough said."

Maura repressed a laugh and raised unconvinced eyebrows before crossing her arms.

"So this is the reason of your knee scar..." But as she realized that her words meant she had been attentive enough to her friend's knee to actually note this particularity, Maura blushed and began – sadly enough – to stutter. "I mean it's... It's... It... Err..."

And then it happened. A boy passed fast by her, slightly bumping on her shoulder. The movement – abrupt – made her turn around, lose her balance. But before she had a chance to land on the ice rink, she found herself in Jane's arms who caught her back at the last moment.

Why? Why did the bathroom situation have to repeat itself? Why was she standing a few inches away from Jane's lips? So close and so far at the same time that she could feel burning tears rush insidiously to her eyes.

"Why Jane Rizzoli... If I'd known I'd see you here!"

A man in his early forties appeared from nowhere to break Maura's quiet fantasies. Surprised, the medical examiner straightened up – took her distance from Jane's arms – and observed the stranger; her lips pursed.

"Oh my... Matt Donoghan! Hey, how are you? What are you doing here? Hadn't you moved to... Err... Florida or something?" Jane's grin lit up her eyes as she hugged her interlocutor warmly.

Too warmly to Maura's taste, actually.

"I had, indeed... Yeah. But now, my ex-wife's there and I'm back here. I took my kids ice skating, they visit me for the holidays. You see the girl with the red coat and the boy by her side?" Matt pointed out two children who were skating a bit further. "These two are mine. Enjoying a good ol' Massachusetts winter!" He turned to Maura and winked. "If I were completely honest, I'd tell you they think it's just freezing here."

The honey blonde forced a smile and before realizing it, she passed a hand on Jane's lower back to bring her closer to her own body. The detective didn't miss it and cast a brief – confused – glance at her friend.

"I won't fall down, no worries." Jane frowned at the scientist, smiled at Matt again. "Let me introduce you to Maura. Maura is a friend of mine. We work together. Maura... This is Matt. We went to high school together and lived in the same street for years!"

The man nodded enthusiastically.

"Years of basketball and hockey games! Jane was the best. Nice to meet you, Laura." He held out his hand.

"Maura. It is Maura." The scientist politely shook the man's hand and swallowed hard.

Too many things were wrong right now. From Jane's smile to Matt's way to literally gaze at her in spite of his children being around passing by the way the brunette had introduced her as a friend and just that. A mere friend. The words had been as sharp as a thousand knives cutting through her heart. Yet what could she do? This was exactly what she was, in the end.

A friend. Just a friend.

"Hey... Can't leave the monsters alone for too long – or their mother'd kill me – but would you like to get a drink and catch back on life one of these days? Although seeing how you're looking, I'd say that life's been good to you, Jane!"

As the brunette burst out laughing, Maura stared at her and clenched her fists. Ridiculous anger, a shameful jealousy. But she couldn't help it. There was nothing worse than witnessing Jane flirt with a third party when she was around.

She looked down and noticed that she had subconsciously let go of her friend, made a step on the was taking her distance, watching Jane escape from her grip. Bitter symbol of something that would happen one day.

"Err sure why not! Here's my card. Call me one of these days." The Italian held out a business card to Matt – one of those she kept in the pockets of her coat – and smiled at him as he bent over and kissed her cheek before nodding at Maura then leaving.

Silence fell over his departure.

Exiled in the middle of the crowd of ice skaters – lost among joy and laughter – Maura remained still and focused on a point straight in front of her to prevent the tears from running down to her lips.

In vain.

"Do you think we should..." Jane's question never hit the air.

Maura's lips on hers stole the words as the blonde captured her mouth abruptly. Jane felt her friend's fist clutch to her collar to make sure that she would not lose her balance under the sudden movement.

A kiss. An unexpected one. Completely incomprehensible. Salty, bitter. Too cold. Almost violent, desperate.

And when reality imposed itself again to Maura – when she realized what she had just done – she gasped and skated away.

The crowd swallowed her too quickly for Jane to react on time. As she came back to her senses – yet still completely taken aback by the kiss – Maura had disappeared from the ice rink and was nowhere to be seen.


	13. December, 13th

**Author's note: Thank you very much for all the reviews, they are really appreciated.**

**December, 13th:**

_Wake up, Jane. Your life doesn't make sense. You spend your days longing for a moment that will only happen in your head – that you're sure of – but suddenly it makes it to reality and you have no idea what to do anymore. _

_Wake up, Jane. And face facts. Assume them. Don't run away because you're scared. Besides, there must be an explanation somewhere. Perhaps she simply lost her mind. Yes, it has to be that. Where is she, now? Where is Maura? Probably regretting that sudden gesture of affection she showed. It wasn't supposed to happen. She isn't in love with you. Don't forget this detail because it's the only thing that keeps you somewhat sane. _

_Yet why? Why did she do that? You didn't flirt with her, you didn't give her any sort of indication that would let her think that she could do what she did. And look at you... Not even able to properly say it. It is too hard, isn't it? Too hard to put words on her action. Why? It won't take it away. It won't delete it. This is impossible and you know it. _

_Maybe there is an ounce of disappointment running now through your veins, settling in your rather confused head because you hadn't imagined – even in your craziest scenarios – that it would turn this way. You had beautiful stories in mind; the sweetest schemes inhabiting your heart. Maura did not go for that. Instead, her gesture turned out to be bare and abrupt. Delicate in its own way but you cannot say that it owns the grace of your dreams if only because you aren't the one who made the first step. _

_You aren't the one who started it._

_That bruises your ego, doesn't it? As much as it has to mean nothing, you wish you had been the one at the head of it instead of receiving. Why? Because you cannot let go, even with her. Loosing the grip – if only a bit – is a torture for you. Assume it. Say it. Recognize it. _

_But you would have never made the slightest move. You are too coward for that. All you know to do is run away and lie to yourself while going from a senseless relationship to another. Do you really think that you are fooling anyone? It won't work that way. Never. Now if only she could explain her act... _

_You should have called her. You should have driven to her place. You should have run after her. So many possibilities were there – waiting for nobody but you – and yet you didn't choose any. You let the time pass by, the hours fly away. _

_You retreated to your apartment and spent the night curled against yourself, in bed. Hoping that it was just a nightmare. You did enjoy it but you know that you shouldn't because it will never be the same anymore. It is too late. All the things you have lived – the experiences you have been through – now belong to a past that has no chance to be reached again. _

_Something got broken, yesterday. _

_And you didn't try to save from it what used to have so much importance to your eyes. You lost her. By your silence, you drew a line under Maura._

**7.30pm**

"Where. Is. She.?" Between clenched teeth, Lieutenant Cavanaugh hissed as discreetly as possible at Jane before turning around to offer his biggest apologetic smile to the senator. "Dr. Isles should be here within a minute, now. Would you like a cup of coffee in the meantime?"

Jane looked down at her feet. She hadn't seen the honey blonde since what had happened on the ice rink the day before. She hadn't looked for her either, to be honest. As a matter of fact, she was just terrified at the perspective of facing her again. Luckily, she hadn't been called on any crime scene and had been able to spend the whole day away from Maura.

Maura who still had to appear.

She was alive, though. As Jane had showed up at _The Home For Little Wanderers_ around 4pm, she had learned that Maura had come to spend some time with the children in the morning instead. Just a subtle way to avoid each other. Somewhat, it had made her feel relieved.

Relieved but ashamed.

She was about to reply to Cavanaugh when he grabbed her by the elbow to push her aside for some improvised – desperate – conversation.

"Where is she? She doesn't answer her phone, her assistant hasn't seen her since lunch time yet she knows that the senator was coming, today. I thought she was more professional than that."

Jane scoffed – cast a quick glance at the politician who was in full talk with Korsak – and rolled her eyes before raising a menacing index finger. To her boss. And so what? She had had enough for the day. For the whole year, actually.

"Maura and I aren't married so you'd better stop with the 'where is she' because I have no fucking idea." Her sharp tone didn't leave much room to imagination yet remembering that she owed him some respect, she swallowed hard; took a deep breath to calm herself. "I haven't seen her since last night. I don't know where she is. She happens to have her life, without me."

The last remark took the lieutenant aback. Twisting his hands nervously – barely hiding the shade of pink that had crept up his cheeks - he cleared his voice then nodded.

"Of course. It's just that... You're used to spending some time together so I had assumed that maybe you had an idea why she wasn't..."

"Good evening, everyone. Please accept my apologies for being a bit late but the hospital called me for a last-minute advice on a patient and I had to spend more time than expected there. Senator..."

Jane held her breath subconsciously as she watched Maura enter the room and walk to the politician to shake his hand politely. The smile that was playing on her lips echoed a perfect serenity. She did not seem bothered by the situation, by the Italian standing so close to her. Only a flicker in her eyes as she cast a glance at Jane betrayed a slight anxiety.

One that passed unnoticed to everybody; the brunette included.

Nodding to nobody but herself, Maura put her briefcase on a desk nearby and unbuttoned her coat.

Snow drops were melting in her hair, shining among the blond curls like icy diamonds: fragile ones. Jane bit the inside of her cheeks. The scientist had never looked so beautiful to her eyes.

...

Jo Friday welcomed her happily as she passed the door of her apartment around 10pm but it didn't change anything to the immense sadness – bottomless emptiness – that Jane was feeling.

She had sworn to herself that she would talk to Maura but the honey blonde had left the BPD way before Cavanaugh would let her go and then she had lost any kind of courage to do so.

Now it was too late. Again.

She squatted down to pet the dog but ended up sitting on the floor; crashing against the door. There was an odd atmosphere surrounding her right now. The taste of defeat, of missed opportunities and ruined chances. Her dark eyes scanned the room and came to face nothing but the loneliness of her very own life. She burst into tears. Silently. Their heat made her shiver and she winced – in pain – as they reached her lips; their taste spreading on her tongue almost insidiously.

It hurt. A lot. Why had it had to start in the first place? Why had she had to develop feelings for her friend? It was wrong. For years she had convinced herself that she could handle it but the last event was proving her that she had been wrong all along. Perhaps she should have taken her distance right away; as soon as she had understood that Maura would always mean a lot more than anyone could understand. Perhaps she hadn't taken the right decisions regarding their relation.

Perhaps she was the one to blame.

"C'mere... Please." With a shaking voice, she grabbed her dog and made her sit on her lap but her sob seemed to worry Jo Friday who looked up and tilted her head on a side. "It's okay, Jo. It's just... It's just life."

A bit reluctantly but too cold, she stood up – Jo Friday in her arms – and walked to the couch to sit there. She grabbed the remote control and turned the television on. Judy Garland appeared, in black and white. An animated image of another time. A rendition that everyone knew but that hurt Jane a lot more than it usually did.

_Someday soon, we all will be together_

_If the fate allows_

_Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow_

_So have yourself a merry little Christmas now_

The vibrations of her phone in her pocket took her out of her reverie. She grabbed the item – raised an eyebrow at the unknown number – and opened the text message.

_Drinks at 7pm tomorrow and don't even think you can say no_

_Matt_

Jane bit her lower lip. She had almost forgotten him. She stared – still – at the screen of the cell for a long time; pondering a thousand things, trying to ignore the pain that was weighing on her heart.

She sighed, put the item down on the coffee table. Within a few stride, she reached the fridge to go and grab a bottle of beer. She opened it and took a long sip then turned around. She frowned at the cell phone, seemed to hesitate.

Sighing away her frustration, she walked back to the device and typed a message before sending it. The background picture appeared, cruelly. The last photo she had taken with Maura, the evening she had helped her choose a Christmas tree. They had looked so happy.

Way too unaware of what was coming.


	14. December, 14th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews...!**

**December, 14th:**

_If you don't react now then pack and leave because your life is being reduced to a series of quiet failures. Who do you think you are, Maura Isles? Who do you think you are to kiss Jane and leave her like that without the mere explanation? Perhaps you don't really know why you did that but it isn't enough of a reason to ignore her. You must have troubled her. _

_She deserves an explanation._

_Stop this game of cat and mouse. It is ridiculous. How old are you? Twelve? No, thirty-eight. It may sound crazy to you – you may not have seen the years disappear in your back – but you are already in your late thirties so you'd better assume your choices. _

_Do you regret what you did? Even if you aren't sure why you kissed her, do you honestly regret this? Be honest with yourself if you can't be with Jane. Is this kiss a regret? A mistake? _

_You are tired of running away, of pretending things that don't fool anyone. Why wouldn't you stop – take a deep breath – and consider another direction to take? For once... Why wouldn't you try and give it a chance at life? _

_You are in love, embrace it instead of digging it deep inside your heart; in its darkest corner. What is it that you have always been afraid of who you were? Of your feelings, the decisions you had to take? They make of your existence what it is, they build your path and strengthen the woman you are. Sure you don't know where they lead but why wouldn't you trust them for once?_

_You won't break down into a thousand pieces. You won't die at the scene. Maybe you will feel hurt – in pain – but you will keep on breathing with the comforting feeling to have tried; to have given a chance to what lies in your heart._

_Take a deep breath – face your reflection in a mirror – and repeat to yourself that you need to talk to her, to make things clear once and for all. It lasted too long for you to remain silent over it. It is time to go and see. What are you supposed to tell her? Well... Words will come up by themselves. It is obvious because this is what they always do in the end._

_You are a big girl, Maura Isles. Stop moping around, mistaking an absence of decisions for fate. It isn't the same and will never be. You might not control it all in life, you are still the one who makes choices. Nobody forces you into anything. It all depends on you._

_Nobody but you._

_So make yourself a favor and go. Go tell her everything before it being too late. You know that you will not be able to handle remaining in the darkness if she happened to find someone else. What if she gets married? What if she has children? Will you be there – somewhere in the shadows – silent before the ruins of your fantasies? Will you clutch to your dreams, desperately? _

_This is too pitiful for you. You can't accept to lower yourself to this._

**6pm**

Jane tied up her hair in a loose ponytail then sank on the couch. She grabbed the remote control – barely repressed a yawn – and began to surf through channels. She hadn't gone out of the whole day and wandered between the living-room and her bedroom looking for a way to get rid of her sudden fatigue. She wasn't sure whether it was a psychological or a physical one. She hadn't felt fine since the kiss on Friday evening; out there on the ice rink. Too many things were going through her head.

Her eyes scanned the room absentmindedly and stopped on her cell phone. Not a single person had tried to reach her since the day before. Matt had been the last one. He hadn't insisted when she had turned down his invitation. Was it supposed to be a sign of some sort? Perhaps he had only tried to be polite and wasn't interested in her. In all honesty, she couldn't care less. She wasn't interested in him either.

...

**6.30pm**

Maura turned the lights on and stepped in her bathroom. She walked to the mirror and looked at her reflection; impassive. She had postponed it all day long. Anyway, she had been on call and had had to spend most of the afternoon at her office.

She slowly grabbed her hairbrush and passed it through her blond curls. Once done, she did her hair in a bun and closed her eyes. The ceramic of the sink – under the palm of her hands – sent a shiver down her spine. The contact was cold, too cold.

Shaking away whatever thoughts had made it to her mind, she opened back her eyes and walked out before heading to her closet. For once, she didn't choose her clothes meticulously but just grabbed a coat that abandoned casually on an armchair and put it on.

She rushed down the stairs – looked for Bass all around – and spotted him by the couch. She made a few steps towards him then squatted down. She bent over, her lips making contact with his shell in a quiet kiss.

"You are the only one who has always been by my side."

She stood back up before the incongruous scene she had just thrown herself in and turned around to walk to the door. She grabbed her car keys and left in the night.

It was freezing outside. The snow had stopped falling but the roads were icy and the sidewalks a bit glimmering under the pale streetlights. She turned on her right and began to walk to her Prius.

Why had Beacon Hill to be so quiet at night? The silence was deafening. She needed music, a crowd. Noise.

Anything that would prove her that she was still alive and not simply wandering through a dream of some sort.

The drive to Jane's apartment seemed to last an eternity. All along she thought about nothing but her doubts, the words she would tell her friend once she came to face her. She hadn't found the perfect – most beautiful – sentence yet.

As a matter of fact, she hadn't managed to elaborate anything at all in her head.

A bit blankly, she stepped out of her car and observed her friend's building on the other side of the road. The lights in Jane's apartments were on. All of them. Maura frowned. What if the Italian was not alone? What if she interrupted her in the middle of a date, of a dinner with her brothers? It was not something she had thought about until now.

Biting her lips, the medical examiner nonetheless crossed the street and stepped into the building. It was too late to come backwards. Or better said, she didn't feel like doing so. Not this time around. A strange courage seemed to have embraced her as she had left her house, a near state of intoxication while she was completely sober. Unless she was simply on the verge of passing out?

She knocked on the door, swallowed hard.

December, 14th. 7.02pm. Temperature: 32°F. A hard wind blowing hard through the streets. Within an hour, the snow will fall again until the next morning. People will go back home or head to some other place; restaurant, movie theater. They will all be busy. The world will keep on turning.

As if nothing has happened. Nothing relevant, that is.

But for Jane and Maura, it will be different. The brunette will open the door and – speechless – let her friend come in. For long seconds, none of them will move nor talk. They will only look at each other in the eyes and remain still as if unsure of their next move. The silence of the place will be a strange prelude to the stormy events that will follow.

Before her incapacity to make any kind of sentence, Maura will rush to her friend and capture her lips for another kiss. A very eager one, this time. Not a shy copy of the unexpected one on the ice rink. This brand new one will own strength and responsibility; the taste of assumed feelings and a subtle shade of an implicit confession.

Jane will not complain. She will not try to run away from it as much as she will still have a hard time to understand why it is suddenly happening. Too afraid to lose herself in fantasies, she will not think immediately that Maura might have developped feelings for her. She will be cautious for knowing the taste of disappointment way too well.

And yet... There is not a single person on Earth who kisses another one without experimenting some sort of desire; even if untold.

She will simply let Maura do, echoing her caresses with all the care in the world; a bare honesty. A rather obvious apprehension. Her hands will be shaking, the tears brushing the corner of her eyes just when she feels Maura's own ones die against her lips. Out of boldness – an incomprehensible one – she will take the honey blonde's hand before leading her to her bedroom.

Their clothes will get scattered on the floor, tracing a path of colors to the bed; accompanied by the quiet music of sighs and moans. Short breaths. The imperceptible sound of flesh against flesh.

They will not notice the snow.

Locked in their own world – in their own complicated bubble – they will focus on the sweetness of the moment and the exhilaration of repressed feelings. The absence of logic, or at least the one they have built in their respective head.

And when the caresses – the kisses – will have brought them to the paroxysm of their feelings, they will simply settle in each other's arms to enjoy that sentiment of perfection and serenity in silence.

Why speaking when words aren't needed? Why being afraid of a world deprived of sounds? It can be warm, inviting. Restful. Especially when you let the hours fly away, cuddled against the only person who makes sense in your life; who gives a purpose to all of your actions.

This is Jane and Maura right now. From 7.02pm to the moment they fall asleep in each other's arms, in the early hours of the morning. They haven't talked about anything but have expressed a lot more than all the topics they have treated until now nonetheless.

In silence.


	15. December, 15th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews and reactions, it is a pleasure to read them.**

**December, 15th:**

**3.30pm**

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

Maura choked on her cup of tea and opened wide – panicked – eyes while the group of teenagers in front of her burst out laughing.

Way too enthusiastically to her own taste, Grace bent over the table – as if to create a semblance of intimacy in the room – and raised an amused eyebrow.

"How was it?" The girl shook her head, giggles passing her lips. She clapped her hands; thrilled. "I knew it! I knew it was only, like, a matter of time."

"And don't tell us it's not true. We saw you arrive, the two of you. You looked all timid and shit, almost embarrassed. Gosh you're cute but so dumb at times. No offense..."

As delicately as she could – and trying to win some time – Maura put her cup back on the table then straightened up. She swept away invisible dust from her dress, bit her lips.

"Don't you all think that you are a bit too young to speak about this? Besides the fact that it is none of your business, that is. My private life is..."

"Oh, bullshit. Stop the crap and tell us it all. We're not kids anymore." Amelia closed the book she had been reading – the same as the week before – and squinted her eyes at the scientist. "I'm not really in lesbian stuff myself but who cares, I still want the details. How is Jane in bed?"

Maura giggled nervously and looked down at her hands. The truth was that she didn't understand at all what had happened the night before. She had come to Jane's place to talk – to apologize even for her incongruous kiss – but instead of doing so, she had done it again. And again.

Jane as well.

They had slept together – had woken up together – and spent a large part of the morning in bed doing nothing but staring blankly in front of them. As if astounded by life. Taken aback by all their gestures, their latest choices.

Then and in a perfect silence, they had got ready for work and left.

What were they, now? They hadn't kissed again, hadn't exchanged a word at Jane's place and barely a couple of sentences at the BPD. They had reached another lever in their relation yet Maura wasn't sure of what it meant. Was it supposed to be the beginning of something or just a mistake that Jane would prefer to forget, pretending that it hadn't happened in the end?

"I am not here – volunteering – to tell you about what might or might not happen in my private life. You might not like it but it is how it goes. Now let's focus on this Christmas present list. Are you all ready and done with your purchase?"

Slumped against the table, Daniela made a face and moaned of despair. Obviously, she didn't like at all Maura's change of subject. None of the girls did, actually. As the medical examiner scanned their reactions, she came to face nothing but eyerolls and sighs.

"Why don't you want to let us know? C'mon... You and Jane, it's like our daily soap opera. You are really making our days brighter and all, you know. Tell us at least if you did sleep together. Please!"

Maura pursed her lips and cast a death glare at the Italian who was chilling out with the boys and a couple of younger children a bit further. She shook her head.

"You won't get a word from me. Period."

...

**5pm**

"I err... I gotta go. To work." Twisting her hands nervously – observing each passer-by with terrible suspicion as if afraid they were here to overhear what she had to say – Jane shrugged away her comment and turned on her heels as soon as they made it back to the streets after their volunteering.

Maura nodded quietly and tried to ignore the flinch of pain in her heart as she watched the brunette go away to her car. Jane didn't want to talk about their night. She was rushing away from it.

If the honey blonde hadn't been certain until now, her friend's behavior had just confirmed what she had feared: she needed to turn the page and now.

Ashamed and a bit lost – lonely – she walked to her own car and got inside. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A long one. The air burnt her lungs, made her choke slightly. Why did it have to be so complicated? Why did she have to rush into things like that? She shouldn't have kissed Jane – not the way she had – because it had gone too fast.

Jane must have felt curious and nothing else, in the end. Yes. It had to be curiosity; the kind of one that hurt like hell.

She was about to start the engine when her cell phone rang. Reluctantly – not in the mood to be the slightest connected to the rest of the world – she nonetheless took the device out of her bag and checked the message. She didn't work, this afternoon. Good thing. She needed a break; a break from everything.

_May I come for dinner, tonight?_

_J._

The question took her aback. Jane had stopped asking such requests for at least three years, now. Or even a bit more. She knew for a fact that she could come any time. Why did she feel the urge to ask, now? A bit uncomfortable, Maura replied by the affirmative and sent the text message.

She didn't feel relieved – though – for not knowing how to act. What if Jane was expecting from her the same attitude as the one she had had the evening before? Her first conclusion had just crashed as the Italian wanted to see her, to spend some time with her. But how? Under which circumstances?

She let a growl of frustration pass her lips as she buried her face against the steering-wheel. She was really talented at making her life look even more complicated.

Annoyed with herself, she drove off and headed to Beacon Hill. It was a good thing that she had the rest of the day for herself. She needed some time to think about a thousand things and now to prepare a meal because – if there was something sure – it was that it wouldn't be a casual dinner, not the kind they usually shared together.

No. It would be different. Everything would be different from now on; no matter what they chose.

But as she arrived home, nothing went as planned. First an issue with her central heating then Jane's new message telling her that she had to cancel because of work. Just when Maura had began to get ingredients out for a recipe.

She knew that her reaction was shameful – to not just say something else – but she couldn't help feeling disappointed in Jane for the Italian cancelling their evening.

It wasn't the brunette's fault since her cancellation was work related but Maura didn't manage to be okay with it. Not after the day of uncertainty she had spent; not after the night they had shared. She didn't want to wait, didn't want to play around in circles in the hope that Jane would reassure her.

She didn't even know why the detective had asked her whether she could come in the first place. It was all too blurry, too precarious. If their absence of words the night before had seemed perfect, it was completely different, today. She needed an explanation. They _both_ needed it.

In a gesture of anger, she let go of the eggs that crashed on the floor right by her feet. She rolled her eyes, pursed her lips.

"Oh... Maura, honey... You're here. Perfect. Do I interrupt you or something?" Angela stormed in as the scientist squatted to clean the mess. She looked down at the floor; frowning.

"Not really, no. What can I do for you?" The honey blonde politely smiled at her guest before her features deepened suddenly as a veil of panic seemed to spread on her face. "Please don't tell me there is a heating issue in the guest house. The temperatures are going to decrease drastically tonight."

The matriarch shook her head vehementely and grabbed two mugs to pour in them some coffee.

"No, not at all. Everything is perfect, out there. However, it is a bit chilly here. Why don't you put the fireplace on?"

Maura looked at the living-room and shrugged. It hadn't even crossed her mind while she loved the crackling of the flames; the smell of the wood. She had been too focused on the plumber's visit and Jane. Mostly Jane, though.

"I am going to do it right now, you are right. I had an issue with the central heating, that's why it is a bit cold right now." She walked to the fireplace and knelt down in front of it.

"Nice!" Mugs in hands, Angela joined her in the living-room. "I stopped by to talk about something important." The woman wrinkled her noise – as if hesitating – then sighed. "I need to know something about you." She cleared her voice. "About you and Jane."

Maura let go of the log she was holding. The piece of wood rolled loudly on the floor. She blushed and went to pick it up immediately then turned her back at Angela pretending to focus on the fire instead.

"What... What do you want to know?" Her stuttering betrayed her latent panic.

"It's related to Christmas. In theory, it's more about Jane than you. And yet... You're included too, as always. I just need your advice. You know my daughter way better than I do, now." Angela lowered her tone. "To an extent, at least."

Maura bit her lower lip and thought about Angela's statement. There was nothing less sure than this.


	16. December, 16th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews, I really appreciate them. **

**December, 16th:**

**2pm**

"Would you like a muffin?"

Maura shook her head and made a face as she looked at the small cakes. She waved her mug instead and took a bill of twenty out of her wallet. Seeing that her interlocutor was nonetheless expecting a full oral answer, she forced herself.

"I go on a gluten-free diet before the holidays. Thank you nonetheless." She smiled at Angela and added something she hoped nicer. "Just trying to be cautious."

The Italian nodded but didn't seem convinced. Frowning, she leaned against the counter and tilted her head on a side as if trying to read through the blonde.

"You look tired. Is everything alright?"

Maura nodded a bit too quickly. She had spent a few hours with Jane's mother the day before at her place not doing much; just talking about Christmas and a present the matriarch wanted to get for her daughter. She had remained somewhat vague on it but had required Maura's opinion on the matter.

Meanwhile, the medical examiner's cell phone hadn't rung a single time.

She had gone to bed early, not daring to send a text message to Jane. She had rushed into things too many times already to ruin it now. The brunette might need time, anyway.

And if she followed that implicit scheme of relationships, the detective was now the one who had to make a step; no matter in which direction.

She - Maura - had to remain quiet. Ready.

Running a hand through her hair, the honey blonde shrugged and let a heavy sigh pass her lips. She didn't feel like talking. As a matter of fact, she had almost called to take a day off but then she had realized that turning around in circles at home was not any better than being at work so she had not given in; dragging herself instead to the BPD.

"You haven't had breakfast with Jane, this morning." Angela's voice wasn't full of reproach but of a rather evident uncertainty nonetheless.

"Oh err..." Maura cast a glance at the Division One Cafe, hoping to find something relevant to say. In vain. "We don't necessarily have breakfast together every morning!"

Which was true. Although since Jane had worked late at night the day before, she might not even be in the building already. She had probably got a day off. As far as Maura knew, her unit had not been called on any crime scene this week so there was no reason for the brunette to still be around after a night shift.

Angela pursed her lips and squinted her eyes at her daughter's friend.

"Sure." Her voice betrayed her lack of certainty.

But their conversation got interrupted suddenly as someone called the medical examiner from the other side of the room.

"Dr. Isles?"

Ignoring Angela's reply, Maura turned around and walked to Lieutenant Cavanaugh leaving her cell and mug on the counter. The place was empty. It was not as if someone were about to steal all of her belongings. Even less since the place was always full of cops and so close to the BPD headquarters.

For long seconds, the matriarch observed Maura and Jane's boss talk. When she made sure that they were focused enough on their conversation, she grabbed the scientist's cell phone and typed a text – a brief one – before sending the message to Jane. She immediately let go of the device and smiled at the honey blonde as she came back to the counter to retrieve her things.

"Maura... Now I think about it... Would you mind getting me these German pastries at the Christmas Market, after work? You know, the ones you bought last year... They should have them around 6pm. I am craving them with Christmas tea!"

Belongings in hand, the medical examiner nodded; nonetheless a bit surprised by the request.

"Oh, of course. I will get them for you, Angela."

...

**5.50pm**

The Christmas market was crowded. Shopping bags in hand, Maura tried to make her way through the crowd. She had left her office an hour earlier but hadn't bought half of what was on her list yet. She was running late - losing patience - and mumbling between clenched teeth her sudden dislike of society.

"I will get a tall cup, thank you."

In need of a break, she stopped by a mulled wine stand and let the cinnamon smell go to her head. Even the Christmas tunes in the background were getting on her nerves when she usually enjoyed them, to Jane's highest despair.

Jane.

The scientist pouted at nobody but herself.

Perhaps that was the reason why she felt out of place. The brunette wasn't there with her while it was almost traditional for them to walk to the Christmas market together.

Maura made a face. Everything had changed since Sunday. Absolutely everything, like in her biggest nightmare.

Cup in hand, she resumed her walking towards the small German stand. If she wasn't wrong, it was at the end of the main alley; right by an ice fountain. Not too far from a waffle house.

"Oh, I am sorry..." Too busy looking at her feet, she bumped into someone a bit abruptly; her mulled wine menacing to get spilled all over the place. She cast a glance at the person she had hit and froze. "Jane?!"

The brunette was standing right in front of her. Hands in her pockets. The worst of all was that she didn't seem to be surprised to find her there at all.

Long seconds passed by during which none of them moved nor talked. It was the first time they did face each other without any excuse to run away. The first time since that Sunday when many things had changed. Many, many things. Their whole life, maybe.

All around them, people kept on walking. Music kept on blaring. In a word, the whole world kept on turning as if unaware of Jane and Maura's incapacity to even move an inch.

Or so.

All of a sudden, Jane made a step towards the honey blonde – frowned – and swallowed hard. She cupped her friend's face and swept away the poor distance remaining between their lips. She kissed her. Deeply, fully. Right there among the crowd of shoppers.

It took Maura several seconds to fully react, to fully understand what was happening. When she felt Jane's knee brush hers, reality hit her back and she finally responded to the kiss with abandon. Just the same she had got carried away by on Sunday.

She let her hand slide on the brunette's waist then clutched to it tightly. As tightly as she could, as if to make sure that it wasn't just a dream. One that would turn bitter once she woke up.

The touch – finally intimate and warm – sent a shiver down her spine. Her quiet gasp died in Jane's mouth as her smile echoed the brunette's. They broke apart only to lose themselves in each other's eyes.

Jane's hands slowly took their distance with Maura's face as they travelled down the scientist's body instead. They settled on her waist comfortably. She smirked and pointed at the plastic cup the scientist was still holding.

"How dare you to have mulled wine without me?"

The question made Maura burst out laughing. She had expected a long monologue of some sort, a pale imitation of a Greek tragedy confession scene. Instead, Jane had stuck back to reality as soon as possible. And she loved it.

They had time to talk, if they needed to talk at all. For the moment, they just had to stop all these pointless wonders that brought up nothing but pain and ridiculous doubts. Weakening feelings in need of being taken care of.

Maura took a deep breath and swept all this away as she grabbed her friend's hand – her lover's hand, to be more exact – and locked her eyes back with hers; still halfway between the uncertainty of a blurry reality and the possibility of it not being anything but a dream for lacking words and complicated schemes.

"What if for once we shared it?"

Jane raised a playful eyebrow and cast a glance at the cup that Maura had miraculously not spilled; even during their kiss. She grabbed it and took a sip, leaving the scientist holding her shopping bags that were hanging on her wrists.

She made a face.

"It lacks sugar."

Eyeroll. The medical examiner snapped her forearm and shook her head; chin up in defiance. Her cheeks were pink because of the cold; her eyes glimmering of hope. An imperceptible smile - serene - lighting up brightly her features.

"You know that you need to lower your intake of sugar now if you don't want to face health issues within the next few years, Jane. I cannot believe that you are still unable to reason yourself about this..."

Back to life, to the normality of their days. Within a second.

They walked towards the German stand hand in hand, bickering as if nothing special had happened. Unless it was simply meant to be, therefore the fluidity – as sudden as it was – of their interactions.

In all honesty, Maura would have not thought that it would be that easy; even less after a day made of uncertainty. Yet there she was, walking with Jane after the brunette had kissed her in public.

Without the slightest ambiguity.

At least now Maura knew what Jane wanted. She had made the necessary step, the one that had to come from her to confirm her desires. The honey blonde wasn't sure to understand why she wanted this – with her – but for the moment, she couldn't care less about all this. The only thing she could see was Jane's smile and – truth to be told – she hadn't seen the dectective so happy in a very long time.


	17. December, 17th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews.**

**December, 17th:**

**1pm**

Within twenty-four hours, Maura had got addicted to the taste of Jane's lips on hers, to the way her hands slid with serenity and desire on her body. Almost with an unexpected authority. She had got addicted to her smiles, to the way her eyes glimmered when they locked with her hazel ones.

And the sighs, quiet signs of a subtle pleasure found at last.

Breaking apart – in need of air – she bit her lips and looked up at Jane. Something began to boil in her lower stomach as she felt a wave of heat rush up her cheeks. Would she ever get tired of this?

She knew about the cruelty of the passing of time, how months and years tended to make it all fade away and you were left there with the intensity of the beginnings melting in an inevitable bitterness.

She hated it. She couldn't accept the idea that it would happen with Jane. Not with her. She refused to believe in such possibility. Yet did she have any hold over this? A bit panicked, she watched how the brunette began to move away on the couch; away from her.

"I need to go back to work." The Italian's voice rose in the air and betrayed her reluctance. She stood up and grabbed her cell phone she had put down on the coffee table as she had arrived

Maura looked down and pouted.

"I am on a nightshift."

Jane nodded and forced a smile. If things were somewhat a bit more official since the day before, it seemed like reality was not playing in their favor. Their respective schedules didn't match. They did not have a minute for themselves to properly enjoy whatever their new relation was.

After the Christmas market, Jane had had to go back to the BPD to work and now it was Maura who would spend the whole night at the morgue while the brunette would be home again. Sneaking out – if only for an hour or so - for lunch without anyone interrupting them was already a miracle in itself actually.

They didn't seem to have the right to get more. A bad sign she preferred to ignore. Anyway, she had never liked such superstitious things. They would have time for themselves.

Not just yet.

Jane walked to the door – turned a last time to smile shyly at Maura – then walked out to the end of the corridor. She crossed a few people, nodded at them politely. Had they guessed? Did they know – if only secretly – that she had got a lot closer to their boss, lately? All of a sudden, her thoughts slid along her spine and made her shiver. She swallowed hard.

Panic was settling down and she didn't like it at all.

She stepped in the elevator and – glad to be alone – leaned her back against the large mirror as the doors got closed again. If she hadn't received Maura's text message the day before, would things be as they were, now? Shaking, she grabbed her cell phone and went through her messages.

_Meet me at 6pm by the German stand if you want to talk_

_M._

She had hesitated a long time before finally giving in. On Monday – as she had woken up next to a quiet Maura – she hadn't known how to properly react. She didn't understand anything, actually.

She had been weak and hadn't asked for an explanation when the honey blonde had kissed her. No. For once, she had succumbed to her desires and let the night carry them away.

But what, now? She felt trapped, confused. They were timidly playing around – flirting with another kind of relationship – yet without naming it properly. None of them dared. For some reason, it reminded her of the first time she had been kissed; how awkward – yet cute – the next days had been.

Except she was thirty-nine, not twelve years old anymore. How come she felt so little self-assured before Maura?

Lost in her thoughts, she stepped out of the elevator and headed towards her desk. She would have a hard time focusing on her tasks for the rest of the day. She wasn't mentally there.

"Rizzoli. Where the hell have you been? Cavanaugh's been looking for you for the past twenty-five minutes! He's not happy."

Jane frowned at her colleague's remark and checked her phone again. Her boss had tried to call her four times. She had missed all the calls.

"What... What does he want?"

But her colleague had already walked to the end of the room, unable – thus – to hear her question.

A bit anxious, she made her way to Cavanaugh's office and knocked on the door. Casting a glance at a desk behind, she realized that Frost and Korsak weren't there and that they had taken their coats along.

She made a face, discomfort growing in her head.

...

**3.30pm**

Maura parked her car in the street – stepped out of it – and walked to the yellow tape that a few rookies had already put all around the house. She ignored the media and sped up her pace to the door of a rather old mansion. A couple of FBI agents were chatting in the lobby. She frowned and repressed a moan.

So much for having the past two weeks calm as ever.

She made her way to the living-room and spotted Jane out there. The brunette was in full talk with a federal agent.

Although chatting friendly was more of an appropriate term as she burst out laughing after he got to whisper something to her ear. From the outside, it didn't look very professional to say the least.

Maura swallowed hard and clutched to her medical bag as if to release an invisible frustration.

"The bodies are upstairs, Dr. Isles."

She nodded absentmindedly at the officer but dismissed her in a murmur; too focused on observing Jane interact with whoever the agent was.

"I want to check each room first..."

Her feet led her to Jane right away. She barely noticed that Frost was approaching as well. As she reached the brunette, she cleared her voice a bit harshly; coldly. Everyone turned around to stare at her in disbelief, taken aback by the quite sudden interruption.

Jane offered her a pale smile, full of awkwardness; the same kind that they had exchanged when not a single person had been around for the past two days. The rare - precious - minutes they had found for themselves.

"Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." She tended her hand – with authority – at the FBI agent who shook it; yet a bit troubled by her tone of voice.

"Special agent Daniel Birdman. Nice to meet you, doctor." Forcing a smile that he hoped friendly – and honest – the man pointed out at Jane. "I was talking with homicide..."

"I know who Detective Rizzoli is. We have been working together for the last five years, now."

She shouldn't have interrupted him, certainly not so harshly. Frost and Jane stared at her as if she had lost her mind. She surely didn't have the reputation of the cold – hostile – woman she was now showing the agent.

For absolutely no reason.

Or so.

She hadn't liked the way he had made Jane laugh. Sadly enough, this was not a reason she could use and defend her behavior with. That wouldn't work out at all. Besides, she needed to calm down. The presence of the Bureau meant that the governor was expecting from her a peaceful collaboration. It was what she was paid for, after all.

Not to throw a fit of jealousy on a crime scene nor to make a fool of herself.

Clearing her voice, she forced a smile and straightened up; pushed a strand of hair away from her face.

"A family of four, is that right?" She turned to Jane, cold as ice. "I didn't know that it was favorable to jokes, Detective Rizzoli."

Jane turned red as a brick and looked down. Mumbling inaudible words, she finally let the agent do the talk for herself.

First time on a crime scene after reaching a new stage in her relation with Maura and it was turning into a pure nightmare. Great.

"Detective Rizzoli and I were bonding over a fact that had very little to do with what brings us here, today. While waiting for _you_. Baseball, to be more exact. Long story short..."

The way the agent insisted on the 'you' went on the honey blonde's nerves. She pursed her lips and rose her hand in the air to interrupt him again before turning on her heels. She put latex gloves on and took a deep breath. She wasn't in the mood for a little chat.

Especially not with someone who had made – so easily – Jane laugh while at work.

"Well here I am, now, Agent Birdman. Back to work, please." She scanned the room and squinted her eyes at the mess left all around. "It seems like we have a lot to do."

She made a step towards the fireplace but stopped as she heard the agent's voice in her back.

"Are you single, Detective Rizzoli?"

Maura turned around and looked up at Jane. Frost had frozen as well and was now observing the scene along with a couple of officers. The brunette blushed and cleared her voice nervously.

"Err... Yeah. I am. So I can't relate to your story, indeed. Sorry..."

She avoided Maura's gaze and – cowardly enough – went to Frost instead. If this was how work on scenes would now be, she and Maura had a huge problem to face and deal with.


	18. December, 18th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews, it is a pleasure to read and reply to them.**

**December, 18th:**

**5pm**

Jane stopped the car but Maura didn't move. She kept on staring right in front of her – in silence – as if at the mercy of something she could hardly control. They hadn't talked much since her awful behavior the day before on the crime scene apart from sharing a few professional remarks.

Not that they had not wanted to but – one more time – their respective jobs had not given them enough time to do so. And yet there was a lot to say. More and more, to be exact.

"They know."

Busy looking for a chocolate bar in her sport bag, Jane barely looked up.

"What do you mean?"

Maura unfastened her seatbelt then rested her hands on her lap as quietly as she could. She had to be serene. She couldn't afford to lose her nerves one way or another, now. As much as they were into a car, they weren't cut from the rest of the world either. Passers-by and other drivers could see them.

"The girls of the orphanage..." She cast a glance at the door of the building on her right and rolled her eyes. "They know for... For us...?"

Her statement got welcome by a long silence. Jane had stopped rummaging around and now looked very focused on the steering-wheel. Her face impassive. Before such reaction, Maura moved on her seat and leaned against the car window. She ran her tongue over her lips, obviously embarrassed. Uncomfortable.

"They guessed the last time we came to visit."

"You told them?" Jane blinked, barely paying attention to the way her voice was shaking. Baffled to say the least, she shook her head and pursed her lips. "What on Earth? Are you planning on telling it all to everybody like that?"

Maura turned her head around and shot a death glare at the brunette. She could feel her patience run away second by the second; how a wave of anger was beginning to boil in her stomach. She clentched her fists.

"I didn't say anything at all. However – if I am ever asked – I will certainly not hide behind a couple of lies." _Unlike others_. She kept the remark for herself, though.

But Jane didn't miss the point. Rolling her eyes, she swept away her impatience with a gesture of the hand only to find herself at a loss for words. She knew that the answer she had given the day before about her relationship status hadn't been fair but she hadn't had a choice. Not really.

"Oh, come on! Are you making a scene, really? Frost was there. How could I explain to him that..." She sighed and looked down at the bag opened on her knees. "I don't even know what we are, if we are supposed to be... Something. Birdman took me aback and since some stuff remain unanswered then I said what I said. What were you expecting? I was not going to sum up what's been going on between us like that..."

Maura's anger was melting into embarrassment but a stupid pride prevented her from admitting it as she should have. Jane's point was fair; to an extent. What were they, in the end?

"What..." Playing nervously with the hem of her sweater, the honey blonde shrugged. "What would you like to be? With me?" Her hazel eyes stopped briefly on her interlocutor before settling back on the piece of clothing. "How do you see us?"

The scene was surreaslitic. As if trapped in the Subaru – fragile symbol of their very own bubble – both women were trying to put words on a blurry situation; surrounded by strangers and buildings. A not so familiar environment; not so friendly. For long seconds, Jane remained quiet and observed life going on outside. The words were there – burning her lips – but she lacked the courage to make them come true.

"I want..." Her voice broke. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "... You?" She swallowed hard. Her heart was beating fast, too fast. The world was spinning around. She vaguely nodded. "I want you."

Maura's lips began to tremble. Not of uncertainty nor pain but of happiness.

One that she could not really understand for it feeling like belonging to a dream but that she wanted to embrace nonethless because she knew that it would not happen again. Not twice. Not in this life.

The person she was in love with wanted her as she was. It went beyond any kind of fantasies she might have had.

...

**8pm**

"You look happy."

Maura blushed before Angela's remark and looked down at the kitchen counter; not really knowing what to say. She had been feeling light – incredibly light – since the conversation she had had in the car with Jane. Like walking on a cloud.

She giggled and shrugged away the comment.

"I had a nice day..."

Her curiosity piqued, the Italian settled on a stool and raised an amused eyebrow.

"Glad to see that things are doing better than they were at the beginning of the week!" Bending over the counter, the matriarch squinted her eyes at Maura's neck and cleared her voice. "Maybe it has to do with the hickey you have... There." She pointed her index finger at the spot, repressing a laugh.

Maura turned red like a brick and immediately covered her neck with her hair. She grabbed a couple of bowls – for absolutely no reason but to escape from the inquisitive remark – and pretended to go for some recipe. After all, she hadn't prepared dinner yet.

"Hematoma of tissue in which capillaries and sometimes venules are damaged by trauma, allowing blood to seep, hemorrhage or extravasate into the surrouding interstitial tissues. That... That is a bruise for you."

Angela grinned and raised her hands in the air as if to abdicate. She knew Maura way too well to go and insist. When the scientist lost herself in medical explanations then it meant that she simply felt a bit uncomfortable.

And there was no reason for the matriarch to insist, here.

"Sure... Anyway, what have you planned on doing with Jane for the holidays?"

Still at the mercy of an obvious panic, Maura looked up and blinked; remained quiet for quite a long time as if Angela had addressed her in Chinese. She paused – pondered the words – then pouted.

"What... What do you mean, exactly? We aren't glued!"

Perhaps her reply had been a tad too much on the defensive but the thing was that – as much as they seemed to know what they really wanted – neither she nor Jane had talked about making it official.

Not just yet.

They wanted time for themselves – to properly enjoy this new stage of their relationship – or at least Maura thought so. It wasn't as if they had listed every single point of their new status.

"Oh, this isn't what I meant but you usually do... Things... Together. Skiing, drag Jane to Christmas carols, a chocolate fondue... This kind of things that any couple does!"

As her last sentence hit the air, Angela giggled nervously. She hadn't thought twice before speaking. It was clear. She made a vague gesture with the hand and bit the inside of her cheek as she realized that her comment had made Maura turn livid.

"And by couple, I mean... A couple of friends. Don't you have anything planned for the two of you?"

Extremely embarrassed, Maura looked aside and shrugged. Somehow, she was rather glad that Jane was stuck at work or it would have been even more awkward. She ran a hand through her hair only to realize that her gesture had exposed again the hickey. Panicked, she rushed to the living-room to grab a scarf abandoned on the couch and put it on.

"I don't know. I err... I actually just landed a big case. The FBI is on it now but they asked me to be around and help them regarding a few things. And there is the volunteering too... You know that we went to the opera already so I cannot force Jane to now attend Christmas carols. We both know that she would kill me if I did. Hahahaha!"

Maura's laugh fell flat. She rushed back to the kitchen and opened the fridge in the only hope to turn her back at Angela in order to win some time then – maybe – find back some of that self-confidence that she seemed to have lost on the way.

"Actually I was asking you because I have these invitations for this weekend... Two days in a cabin with an afternoon on a sledge driven by mushers and I was thinking that you might be interested."

"Oh." Maura's lips froze as her surprise hit the air. Truth to be told, it was a fantastic idea. She knew that she and Jane wouldn't have a matching schedule before the upcoming weekend when both had two days off in a row.

It was perfect.

Angela swept away invisible dust from the kitchen counter and smiled brightly at her host; barely repressing a laugh.

"Now all you have to do is to convince your partner." Index on her mouth to apologize, she shook her head before adding. "Partner in crime, that is. Consider this as a pre-Christmas present. You've looked stressed, lately. I am sure you need it."

The medical examiner nodded and smiled a bit too brightly. Perhaps that was what she and Jane needed, Angela was right. A couple of days out of Boston with nobody to interrupt them. Realizing that her reaction was too enthusiastic, she made a step backwards and avoided the matriarch's gaze by looking down at the sink. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes.

"Thank you very much. It is an excellent idea. Very... Very sweet of you. Really."


	19. December, 19th

**Author's note: thank you very much again for all your reviews! They brighten this gray winter.**

**December, 19th:**

**6pm**

"Oh my God. This is so romantic!" Amelia bit her lower lip in pleasure and clapped her hands. She winked at Maura – then at the other girls of the orphanage – and shook her head. "If two girls could – biologically speaking – make babies together then you'd come back from this weekend preggo, I can tell you!"

"Oh, yes. Jane would totally make you a kid!" Grace nodded to rub it in.

Maura rolled her eyes. She had spent the last hour with the youngest children of the center and she was not particularly eager to spend the next one with intrusive teenage girls. At least the other ones didn't ask her anything regarding her private life and the semblance of relationship she was having with Jane. Although, who was to blame? She wasn't forced either to give in and tell them that they were about to go on a getaway together with Jane.

"Can we now focus on _The Home For Little Wanderers_ Christmas show? It takes place within a few days now and we aren't ready at all. Hannah..." The medical examiner looked at a brunette. "Where have you put the decorations that the other group made for it, the other day?"

But the adolescent didn't reply and preferred to remain concentrated on the silver nail varnish that she had been applying for the past ten minutes. Maura sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Why are you so uptight? This isn't funny." Amelia pouted and crossed her arms against her chest. "First you don't want to share the details and now that. We're not 6, you know!"

Maura kept her eyes on the to-do list for the orphanage show. Not that she was pretending to have not heard what the teenager had said but she wanted to turn the page and forget herself that such a getaway implied a lot of things.

Starting with sharing a bed with Jane. As her girlfriend. Oddly, she didn't know how to prepare to it.

They hadn't slept together since the past Sunday. Their week schedule had really not played in their favor and any intimate moment had been postponed; even once they had somewhat made the status of their relationship clearer.

And if she had never been anxious before sex in the past, the forced wait was now weighing a lot on her shoulders. It was stressing. To an extent.

An odd, very odd extent.

"I don't ask you anything about your very own sexual life so I would appreciate it if you adopted the same behavior regarding mine." Maura paused – as if to make sure that the girls would get it – and cleared her voice to definitely turn the page over the conversation. "Now, why don't you show me – since this is the reason why I am here – the playlist you have chosen for the show?"

Silence.

The hour would be long. Very, very long.

...

**8pm**

"You hate them, don't you?"

Cup of coffee in hand – trying to warm herself up against Maura – Jane pouted at the question and hesitated. She focused on the blond girl who was standing in the middle of the group.

"I've never been into Christmas carols, let's face it."

The scientist giggled and planted a bold kiss on the Italian's cheek; her hand sliding on Jane's lower back to settle there.

They didn't even have an hour before the detective going back to the BPD for a large part of the night. Then – in the morning – Maura would pick her up and they would drive off - out of Boston - for the weekend. A few hours left in the madness of the city. They could handle it.

"Are you sure that you want me to pack tonight for you?"

Jane openly laughed at the question. Amused, she finally turned her head around and looked at the honey blonde who was holding her tight in the middle of the crowd. She raised an eyebrow as her smile let appear a dimple at the corner of her lips.

"You've been doing it for the past five years, Maura. I simply abdicate, this time. Besides, I didn't feel like going back home after the volunteering to fight the mad traffic and just... Throw a few stuff into the first bag I'd find. You'd have checked after me, admit it."

The scientist gasped but couldn't help smiling. It was true, she had to recognize it.

"Why maybe that wouldn't happen if you were able to properly pack the right things you do need once out of the city, Jane."

"Wait, what?!" The brunette shrugged and looked around for potential support except nobody on the sidewalk was paying attention to the current conversation she was having with Maura. "I'm old enough to know how to pack. Who do you think you are? Ma'?" She snorted and focused back there on the singers, mumbling to herself inaudible words.

"We always have to stop by the nearest store for you to buy whatever you forgot to bring along with you. Admit it!" Maura rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief.

Jane pouted.

"So. Not. True."

"Fine. Then go and pack. I swear that if – tomorrow – you ask me to stop by a convenient store for not having a toothbrush or whatever, you will hear from me."

Jane frowned – held back a chuckle – and nervously started dancing on her feet. Perhaps it was not the kind of challenge she should accept now; not after so many night shifts. She closed her eyes as if to concentrate better on finding the perfect excuse to not do so yet without admitting that Maura might have been right. Somehow.

"I don't have time. It's too late. Good thing the BPD's at the corner or else I'd be running late by now, you know. So... Pack whatever you want."

A smirk began to grow on Maura's lips but before she had a chance to say anything, Jane stopped her – a hand on her wrist – and snorted.

"You're just lucky, this time. Don't even dare to think that means I agree with what you said. Nope. Not even in your dreams." She cast a glance at her watch and sighed loudly. "I gotta go, now..."

Maura nodded but didn't let go of her grip. On the contrary, she subconsciously tightened it on the Italian's waist. She was feeling fine – there – listening to Christmas carols; cuddled against Jane. It was a sweet moment; something new, more intense. Why did it have to stop already? It was unfair.

"I could spend the night at the morgue, you know."

Jane shook her head and took a last sip of her coffee before reducing the plastic cup to pieces. She looked down at her feet – bit her lips – and smiled forcefully.

"Nah. One of us has to be fine enough to drive, tomorrow. Your driver snail pace should rock me to sleep, though." She made a step aside to avoid Maura's snap and chuckled. "Go have a rest, now. It isn't as if I don't have work waiting for me. Reports and reports and reports and reports. Work paper for the night... And if I'm done on time – if we're not called on a crime scene we don't lose to these twats at the FBI – then I might end up playing darts with the guys." She shrugged. "Could be worse."

Maura nodded and followed Jane a bit along the way but as she realized that they were approaching the BPD headquarters, she grabbed the Italian's sleeve to make her stop. The brunette obliged.

"Have a good night, then." Maura closed the distance between them and captured Jane's lips for a brief – almost invisible – kiss. She didn't want any of their colleagues to spot them. Not now. "See you tomorrow... I will bring donuts on the way."

Jane squinted her eyes and – hands in the pockets of her winter coat – she slowly shook her head in disbelief.

"Who are you? What have you done of Maura?"

This time, the medical examiner didn't miss her target and hit Jane right on her forearm. The Italian winced – falsely – in pain and bit her lower lip before motioning at the BPD just at the corner.

"I should go..." Her hoarse voice rose in the air, almost timidly. Reluctantly.

Maura nodded and watched Jane walk to the building. It had been a nice day from their breakfast at the Division One Cafe when she had let the brunette know about Angela's present to the carols out in the streets. For the very first time this year, Maura felt in peace; ready to celebrate the magic of such singular season she had rarely had a chance to embrace as a child.

Thanks to Jane and her family, she had got glimpses of it the past five years but something told her that the intensity would now be different. Everything looked sweeter; almost perfect. She was there – in love – and didn't hide it anymore.

"Good evening, Dr. Isles. I didn't know that you were still around."

At the call of her name, Maura made it back to reality – sweeping away her daydreams – and came to face Susie. She smiled; nonetheless taken aback by the remark.

"There are Christmas carols at the corner, up there. It is a bit of a tradition for Jane and I."

As her employee nodded – smiling brightly – the medical examiner wondered if she hadn't sounded a bit too enthusiastic when talking about Jane. She had never been good at keeping a secret.

Especially when it brought her such happiness.


	20. December, 20th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews.**

**December, 20th:**

**11.45am**

_**Hilltown Wilderness Adventures**_

Jane grabbed the brochure and leafed through it as she patiently waited at the reception next to the honey blonde. The ride had been smooth enough – especially for her as she had been sleeping most of it – and they had arrived on time at the small mountain village surrounded by snow and immense pine trees.

"You have the Maple Suite; second on your left while leaving the main building..." A woman in her fifties – all smile – motioned at a couple of cabins by the window. "Lunch is served between noon and two; dinner starts at 6.30pm, until 11pm. Room-service for breakfast and here's the list of the dogs. You'll have to choose them today to make sure they'll be available for your ride tomorrow."

Listening carefully to the recommendations, Maura kept on nodding; key of the cabin in hand. As the woman - Leann as indicated on her badge - finally stopped talking, the scientist turned to Jane and timidly smiled.

"Is there something else you would like to know? Any question"

But the Italian shook her head and – together – they left the reception to walk back to their car they had parked a bit further. The landscape was breathtaking. A quiet world of white seemed to have – all by magic – swallowed the concrete of Boston to replace it by a serene sensation of peace. She might have been a city girl, Jane had to recognize that the mountain spot was perfect for a two-day retreat.

"Holly crap. It's bigger than my place." She dropped her bag by the door as they stepped into the cabin and looked up towards the stairs. She rushed up. "The fireplace's on. You need to see that!"

Maura finally appeared upstairs, suitcases in hand. She smiled and studied the living-room for long seconds before nodding enthusiastically.

The cabin decoration was classic yet rather luxurious. She walked to the bedroom and stopped by the door. A welcome basket was waiting for them on the bed with homemade jam and a bottle of champagne as well as chocolates.

"Do you like it?"

The medical examiner jumped of surprise as Jane's voice resounded close to her ear and she felt a pair of hands slide on her waist; grabbing her from behind. She nodded, looked down at her feet.

If the Italian had been relaxed enough to sleep during the ride, Maura had had to deal with a level of stress that she didn't like at all. The more they had been approaching the cabin village, the more she had been succumbing to a latent panic over this: the master bed. And what they would obviously do in it.

"It is..." She swallowed hard, tried to calm down her fast heartbeats. "Perfect. It is absolutely perfect. Really."

Jane giggled in the crook of her neck before planting a stolen kiss, there. Maura closed her eyes, not that certain to understand how the roles could have suddenly been reversed. She was the bold one – in theory – yet the brunette seemed to feel like taking the initiative, for a change. Although to which scheme did she actually stick to to say that? They had only slept together once.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jane made the honey blonde turn around to face her. She pouted. "You are tired, aren't you? Of course, you are. You worked all week long too and you had to drive all the way here. I'm stupid, I'm sorry."

Maura shook her head immediately, desperate before the false interpretation of her current behavior. She forced a smile – ran her tongue over her lips – but not finding anything worth to say, she kissed her partner on the lips instead. A long, warm kiss that seemed to bring novelty for them knowing it wouldn't be interrupted.

Before she had a chance to understand what was happening, she had got rid of Jane's coat – whool sweater – and tank top. With shaking hands, she vaguely stumbled over the zipper of the detective's pants; the gesture betraying her slight nervousness.

It wasn't slow nor sweet but slightly rough as if all of a sudden, she had succumbed to the invisible frustration led by years of silence; a full week of hesitation. Jane didn't protest, her hands going up and down her partner's curves yet unable to properly stop anywhere. They didn't make it to the bed. The frenzy of their gestures – the strength of their feelings – barely allowed them to step inside the room and lean against the wall by the door.

Maura pinned Jane there, pulling down the Italian's pants before her fingertips ran back up along her hips; her stomach. Her breasts. The heat of her body offering itself to the honey blonde's hands in a silence of moans and sighs.

They just needed it. And now.

Feeling too hot, Maura discarded her very own padded jacket – letting it land on the floor – while her lips wouldn't let go of Jane's ones in spite of her now rough breath.

She didn't wait any longer – did not remember the latent timidity that had made her stress all her way there.

As her hand slid between Jane's legs, the brunette held her breath and bit Maura's lower lip. All of a sudden, her body froze before a quiet moan rose in the air and her hips began to follow the pace that the honey blonde was dictating with her hand.

It was not really how they had imagined it, how they had fantasized about it. There was no candle lit, no long gazes exchanged by the fireplace. Only the intensity of feelings rising in their stomachs and the touch of a flesh against another shivering one. Jane arched her back; her nails digging into Maura's back, through her cashmere sweater. In desperate need of air, the scientist reluctantly let go of her partner's lips only to travel down the olive-skinned throat that offered itself to her mouth; her tongue.

Feeling the sensitivity of Jane under her fingers, the medical examiner vaguely slowed her pace; for a few seconds. She couldn't wait, she wasn't in the mood for teasing. Nor was Jane. All they needed was the release of a tension that had lasted the whole week.

A smirk played on Maura's lips as she gave in.

...

**4pm**

"How are my favorite Bostonian girls?" A woman in her sixties winked at Jane and put down a big plate in front of her. "Blueberry pie. You need some force after the long hike you both had!"

The brunette gladly accepted the pastry and nodded at the cook. It had taken them a while to finally leave their cabin – several trials that had led both of them ending up naked, halfway between the bedroom and the bathroom – and after an excellent meal, they had taken advantage of the mountain to discover the area a bit. The weather was perfect: low temperatures but incredibly sunny.

"Martha, this pie is delicious... You do realize that it won't make it any easier for us to leave within two days?" Jane grinned at the cook.

They had talked after lunch and hit it off right away. The woman had given them advices about the dogs and the walk they could do in the meantime; in the woods. It was the first time that Jane didn't have the slightest issue to sound friendly to someone she barely knew. An odd sensation. Warm too.

"And how is my hot chocolate, Maura?"

The medical examiner nodded enthusiastically while holding the mug with both hands. She took a sip, let the drink slide on her throat to warm up her whole body.

"It is perfect. You will have to give me your recipe."

Martha laughed lightly and waved at them before leaving back for the kitchen. Maura looked at her going away then observed the room in silence. A few tourists had decided to stop by for a drink and a slice of cake – just like them – to enjoy the heat of the fireplace after a day out in the mountains.

Their cheeks reddened by the wind.

Serene and happy, her hazel eyes stopped back on Jane's dark ones. She plunged into the Italian's gaze with a barely hidden pleasure; a sweet boldness.

"Are you happy?"

Rhetorical question, though. Jane was bimming. She had been over-enthusiastic about everything; not complaining once about anything. A miracle of some sort for the grumpy Italian.

She didn't like the countryside and natural spaces much – Maura knew it – but she nonetheless seemed to fully enjoy their weekend. Even the brief visit to the dogs had been a source of laugh and smiles for the brunette.

"What's not to love? Gorgeous place, awesome food, super nice people..." A timid smile played on Jane's lips as she bent over the table and caressed Maura's hand with hers. "And you."

The honey blonde blushed – looked down for a few seconds – and giggled before such compliment she hadn't seen coming.

It was the first time that Jane opened herself that much. She usually wasn't a very expressive person; even less when it came to this kind of feelings. This new relationship they had barely put words on. It seemed like the distance with their daily references had freed Jane from a thousand things.

"Thank you." Maura's words rose in the air through a meaningful murmur. She bit her lower lip – as if succumbing to a thousand wonders – and kept on looking at Jane for long seconds. Silent ones.

Sweet ones.


	21. December, 21st

**Author's note: thank you very much, one more time, for all your reactions. A pleasure!**

**December, 21st:**

**9.30am**

This time around, they weren't facing the wall in front of them – in silence – but were focused on each other's gaze instead; a peaceful smile on their lips.

They had woken up in the same bed like a week earlier but the situation couldn't be more different. There was no awkwardness, no doubt. Nothing that could weaken their already precarious self-confidence over a fact that took completely took them aback.

They simply took it as it come. Maybe with a bit of perplexity but wasn't life supposed to bring up surprises, at times? Sweet ones as well. Just like this one.

Maura approached a hand from Jane's cheek and pulled away a couple of dark curls from the Italian' s face. The gesture made her laugh quietly. She bit her lips, swallowed hard. It was the most perfect morning she had ever lived; the most surreal one as well. She still had a hard time believing that all this was happening and had the feeling that it would not - in spite of the years - belong to logic one day.

"Had you ever slept with women before?" Maura blushed and looked down before the boldness of the question. She hadn't meant to sound intrusive but her curiosity had won over the rest.

Jane froze – for a few seconds – before taking a deep breath. She shook her head, cleared her voice nervously and tried to focus on a point somewhere in the distance.

"No..." Her hoarse voice died in a whispered confession. Avoiding the honey blonde's gaze, she let a rather loud sigh pass her lips before talking again; moving slightly in bed. "How about you?"

It was a strange way to bring up a couple of things. Huddled against each other – under a very warm blanket – while the crackling of the fireplace carried the minutes away in a perfect silence.

They did not even look at each other properly, now. Perhaps it was easier that way. Some confessions were tougher than others.

"Yes, I had." Maura frowned and pursed her lips; not really angry with herself but frustrated to an extent nonetheless. She forced herself to look at Jane properly, wrinkled her nose. "Are you mad at me?"

The brunette raised a surprised eyebrow. She didn't seem to understand the question, even less its fairness. Leaning up on her elbow, she frowned at the scientist; shook her head.

"What do you mean?"

Maura shrugged and rolled on her back to stare at the ceiling. She put an arm behind her head for support and folded up her legs as hesitation seemed to suddenly invaded her. Perhaps, she shouldn't have asked. She had thought that it was the best thing to do but she might have been wrong about that.

"I never told you about this..."

This time, Jane properly sat up in bed and cast a quick glance at the blonde before shrugging. She had guessed – somehow – that Maura already had experience with women when they had reached this level of intimacy themselves. The scientist hadn't looked as hesitant as her. Nervous – yes – but not as timid in her actions.

Although apparently, her lack of experience hadn't hit the medical examiner since she had asked. It might not have been that evident either.

"You don't have to tell me everything and... And it's not something easy to say. I know this for a fact."

The last statement troubled Maura. Jane had just told her that she had never slept with women yet the insinuation made a second before tended to go in the other direction.

"I thought you never had..."

The detective rose a hand in the air to interrupt her partner. She ran her tongue over her lips before focusing on a pine tree through the window. Snow had covered its branches that were now shining under the bright sun of December. It was beautiful; unique.

"Just because I hadn't done it doesn't mean that I hadn't wanted to." Eager to not remain of the topic for too long – the allusion bringing back memories of a time she preferred to forgot – Jane decided to dare and ask properly the question that had been tormenting her since Maura had kissed her there on the ice rink. "Do you... I don't understand. When did you..." It wasn't easy, she didn't know how to bring it up. "Why didn't you say anything, earlier? I... Why did you remain quiet about... _This_?"

Anxious, Maura followed with her eyes the vague gesture of Jane's hand as the brunette motioned at the bed; at them. The question wasn't surprising in itself. She knew that it would have to come up at some point. She simply had imagined that she would be the one asking – out of cowardice – for not having to reply herself.

What was happening now only proved – one more time – that she didn't have a hold over life.

"It seemed crazy to think that it could be mutual." Her shaking voice melted in a nervous laugh; the bitterness of years of silence floating away, little by little.

A latent pain vanishing – at last – replaced by hopes that had now ceased to seem ridiculous to her eyes.

...

**2.30pm**

"Stop caressing the dog and come to sit, now." Growing in impatience, Maura rolled her eyes as her partner didn't seem to pay attention to what she had just said. She stomped her foot. Fists clenched. "Jane! Hurry up, now!"

"Yeah, yeah..." The brunette stood up and walked to the sled before shooting a brief smile at Paul – the owner of the dogs – who was politely waiting on a side. She turned to Maura and settled next to her before hissing between clenched teeth. "I was just making sure to be the dogs' buddy."

The truth was that she had witnessed a first group leave on a sled and she had realized that it was going rather fast. But there was no way that she would recognize she might have been feeling a bit of apprehension over it. Jane Rizzoli wasn't scared of dog sled rides. This was not how it worked out.

How could she even be apprehensive while she loved racing cars? It didn't make much sense, apart from the fact that she wouldn't be in control this time around.

And she didn't like that.

"Have you ever done that?"

Busy checking her surroundings before the imminent departure, Maura shook her head at the Italian and smiled brightly.

She certainly didn't seem anxious at all before the perspective of being dragged by dogs up and down a snowy mountain.

"No! It is a first. I wanted to do it in Lapland but we unfortunately had lacked time for it."

"You went there? Who were you hoping to meet? Santa?" But before she had a chance to laugh at her own joke, Jane gasped and leaned over Maura. "Holly crap, didn't you hear what Paul said? No hand outside the sled! You wanna kills us all or what?"

The honey blonde frowned and looked with perplexity at her partner. She blinked, let a few seconds pass by.

"We haven't left yet, Jane. It is all fine." Yet too late. All of a sudden, a smirk began to play on her lips as reality appeared clearer and clearer before her eyes. "Would we be scared, detective?"

Jane snorted and settled back on her side of the sled. She crossed her arms against her chest then looked straight in front of her. Stubbornly.

"I. Am. Not..."

She didn't have time to finish her sentence. Without any warning from Paul – or one she had missed – Jane found herself going at a very high speed on the snow; so close to the ground.

For a couple of seconds, she remained still; too surprised by the sudden movement. And then she felt Maura's arm pass under hers to hold her tight.

The sensations were unique. The wind was icy against her cheeks but the world of snow speeding past all around was one of the most beautiful sceneries she had ever seen. Speechless, she started relaxing and finally enjoyed the abandon to the dogs; the smell of pine woods and the sound of the sled sliding on the snow.

"Forget the pictures, we're going too fast. They'd be blurry."

Maura made a face but nodded nonetheless at the remark. Anyway, they would stop when making it to the Chesterfield Gorge. By then, they would have a chance to take pictures of the sled as well as of the dogs.

The road wasn't too bumpy. Soon, the speed rocked them peacefully and while she was about to ask Jane something, the honey blonde felt her partner's head settle on her shoulder before a pair of arms passing around her waist to hold her tight.

Maura smiled – brightly – and took a deep breath while looking straight in front of her at the mountains opening to them; revealing its stunning secrets.

"Promise me we'll do it again." The Italian's hoarse voice barely made it to Maura's ear.

The sound of the sled on the snow was not discreet at all and made it hard to hold a conversation. But she nonetheless got Jane's words before nodding at them with determination.

"I do." Her answer rose in the air, embraced by the comforting idea she might have been alluding to a lot more than the sled ride in the end. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. A bright smile playing on her lips, lighting up her features. "I do."


	22. December, 22nd

**Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews, I know that I am repeating myself but it is really a pleasure to read them and reply to each of you every time.**

**December, 22nd:**

**1pm**

"Where are Friday's samples? We have a dozen of them. Could someone - please - bring them to me? Or at least, the results. I asked you to work on them, this weekend."

The young employee avoided Maura's gaze as her question hit the air. He blushed and looked aside; visibly embarrassed. Hands on her hips, the medical examiner frowned and cast a glance at the rest of the lab team.

Everyone seemed rather embarrassed.

"What is going on? Have I missed something?"

Silence. One after the other, the technicians looked down at the lab bench and began to show signs of nervousness. Maura swallowed hard, repressed a sigh. For some reason, the situation made her laugh; ironically enough, though.

"Come on, this is ridiculous! Just tell me what is happening!"

Too bad Susie had taken a day off. Maura knew that she could count on the senior criminalist. The young woman would have spoken by now. Openly. She had a strong professional conscience. And everything would be clear.

"They got contaminated... By accident... While you were away?"

Miranda – a technician in her early thirties – finally revealed the issue none had dared to talk about. She shrugged and bit her lower lip in apologies. Maura raised an eyebrow and remained silent for a while before finally nodding evasively.

"Oh. Alright. Let's get new ones, then."

The technicians looked up in perfect synchronization before widening their eyes in surprise. Maura forced a smile; an uncomfortable one. Being stared at like that was peculiar. She wasn't a dreadful – heartless – boss but a meticulous one and expected the same from her team. She hated it when dust came to gum up the work and thus their efficiency.

As well as the image of her office.

"Excuse me?" Leo – another technician – shook his head in disbelief.

"Well... What has been done cannot be undone so – instead of losing time hiding the truth – let's all work on getting new samples. And now." Maura forced a reassuring smile which didn't have much of an effect on the crowd.

A bit disappointed by her very own failure, she turned around and started walking towards the exit; yet not missing a murmured comment on her back.

"She's on drug or what? I've never seen her _that_ easy-going..."

The remark made her blush yet she preferred to pretend that she hadn't overheard anything and kept on walking outside the lab instead.

What could she say? She was happy. Plainly happy. She had had a fantastic time with Jane in the mountains and couldn't be in a better mood to start a new week now at work.

Perhaps, she wouldn't have minded to stay at their cabin for a bit longer but the skyline of Boston in the morning - appearing straight in front of her - hadn't dragged her down either. No.

She was simply happy to breathe; to enjoy life as it was. Because it was sweet, plainly sweet. And it had been quite a while since she had felt that light.

...

**9pm**

"Say what you want, I'm pretty sure it's the lead pipe." Jane grabbed her glass of beer and shook her head at Frost. She took a sip of her drink, wrinkled her nose.

The young man laughed, rolled his eyes. Pencil in hand, he focused back on the board and took one long breath; his eyes reduced to the thinnest slit in deep concentration.

"I haven't gone to the ballroom yet so don't rush me into anything, Jane."

Maura tried to repress a chuckle. In vain. They were in the middle of a game of _Clue_ but Jane and Frost actually reacted to it the same way as in real life. The Italian was impulsive and nervous.

Her colleague a lot calmer and wise.

"What's funny, Maur'? 'Care sharing with the rest of the class?" The brunette raised an eyebrow and smirked at the scientist sat on the opposite side of the Dirty Robber table.

Clutched to her glass of Pinot Noir, Maura shook her head and exchanged a knowing look with the fourth person at the table: Korsak. It had been a while since they had spent an evening playing this. At some point, it had almost turned into a tradition in their lives. Every week, they met at the bar – after work – to play a few games and have a drink. She was glad that they had given in again. There was something nice in the idea; something simple and warm.

The delicate comfort of friendship she liked so much.

"Why won't you take the secret passage, Detective Frost? You are close to the lounge that leads right to... The conservatory. Then, you are one room away from the ballroom."

The honey blonde showed the virtual road with her index finger and - satisfied - took a sip of her wine.

"Maura, you're cheating! You're not supposed to help him!"

Amused, the medical examiner shrugged at Jane's remark before rising both hands in the air as if to apologize.

"Professional quirk. My bad." She giggled and pushed away a strand of hair from her face. "This is my job. I am paid to help the police solve cases! Don't look at me like that, Jane! You know it!" Maura's eyes glimmered, echoing the bright smile on her lips. She was in an excellent mood.

Unlike the brunette whose winning spirit had swept away the rest.

"Yeah except nobody really got killed, here. It's a game so let him solve it all by himself. Gosh, it's not that hard..."

"I don't know, Jane." Korsak pouted; yet looking very serious. "It could be with the candlestick..."

The Italian heavily – dramatically – sighed and rolled her eyes before crossing her arms on her chest like a child of five. She pursed her lips; snorted. But she remained quiet.

"Remember how you rushed into things while playing _Mysteries of Old Peking_?" Maura pouted at her own remark. For some reason, she had a feeling that this would reward her a night alone at her place.

Jane gasped and straightened up on her seat. She looked offended, and upset.

She had been reluctant – at first – when Frost had suggested a night out at the Dirty Robber but then she had realized that it was a fair enough request. She hadn't spent time outside of work with her colleagues for a while.

An evening alone with Maura could wait. After all, they had just come back from a weekend spent far from everyone else.

And nobody knew anything about them. She had made sure to keep a reasonable distance with the medical examiner all day long to not raise suspicions. It was odd, especially after having been that close to Maura.

She had missed the contact with the honey blonde; the smell of her hair. Her smile only directed at her and nobody else. She felt like taking her in her arms, covering her of kisses and whispering stupid things to her ears; the same words that she had always insisted on avoiding.

Her life had changed. Completely. She just didn't always know yet how to face it.

"I read The Wise Man's message wrong once. Just once. Are you going to hold it against me for the rest of our life? Seriously?" She huffed. "Freaking couple argument, here."

Frost and Korsak looked up – turned their respective heads – and frowned at her; confused. For quite a while, she didn't understand their reaction. Why they were staring at her with such perplexity. And then she realized. Her very own words seemed to have finally made it to her mind. At last.

Unfortunately.

She swallowed hard and avoided Maura's gaze. Anyway, she was probably mortified. Trying to play it casual, Jane leaned against the back of her seat and motioned evasively at the board.

"Well... I... Err... It's..."

A disaster. It was a disaster. Not a single explanation came to her mind, not one that could excuse her mishap.

Frustrated, she bit the inside of her cheek and pointed at the left side of the board. "Take that secret passage. Mau-... She's right."

Even saying the scientist's name was hard. Yet if she had looked up and locked her eyes with Maura' s hazel ones, Jane would have noticed the peaceful – delighted – smile on the honey blonde's lips. It was the first time that the detective had alluded to them as a couple. The first time she had said it.

The first time she had put words on their relationship.

Unfortunately, it hadn't happened at the right time – nor with the right people – but she had still said it and it meant a lot to Maura. Jane had defined what they were; somehow. With all her clumsiness.

And the honey blonde would never forget that.

Frost grabbed the dice – raised an eyebrow of incomprehension at Korsak – and forced a smile at the medical examiner.

"Thank you for the suggestion, Dr. Isles."

Hoping that the awkwardness of her mistake had vanished once and for all, Jane rolled her eyes and tapped nervously on the table; focused on the board of the game. She wrinkled her nose with pride before snorting again; mumbling an obvious statement between clenched teeth.

"Ten bucks it's the lead pipe."


	23. December, 23rd

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews. **

**December, 23rd: **

**9.45am**

"It was a verbal mishap!" Frustrated, Jane rolled her eyes – leaned her head backwards – and let a heavy sigh pass her lips; the kind of one that she would regret for it sounding too dramatic.

The worst of all was that she had forgotten to the way their argument had started. All she knew was that Maura had showed up in the break room – passed her arms around her waist tenderly – and the rest belonged now to History. A whispered one, though. She didn't want her colleagues to overhear the slightest thing. The medical examiner had closed the door when sneaking in but still, it was just an incredibly tiny piece of wood that separated them from the rest of the BPD.

"So what? We aren't a couple? You said it yesterday. You said it last night. What are you afraid of – Jane – that you clutch so much to the idea of not saying it to anyone?" Maura's eyes had widened, not in fear but in incomprehension.

The Italian looked down and bit her lips. What had happened that – all of a sudden – two seconds of a secret cuddling had turned into such crisis? She didn't get it. She hadn't seen it coming. After all, it was just about being careful. For the moment. It wouldn't last.

"It's barely been a week, Maur'..."

She hadn't wanted her words to sound like a plea but this was exactly what had occured. She rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair; embarrassed at her best.

"Are you..." Maura laughed – bitterly – before twisting her hands nervously. She lowered her voice in spite of her anger still being clear enough. "Are you ashamed of it that you don't want to say it?"

The question was fair. Jane had to recognize it. And it hurt; it hurt a lot as the honey blonde's words hit the air with an obvious pain in her voice.

"No... It's just... It's too soon." The Italian looked down at her feet, not even satisfied of her own and rather coward explanation.

She didn't know what was going on. She didn't understand it. While she had embraced it all during their getaway in the mountain, something seemed to restrain her from fully enjoying it now. While in Boston. As if her daily references had suddenly turned into obstacles. She wasn't ready for it.

She couldn't say it; not openly.

"I see." Maura's shaking voice rose in the air. Her lips trembling, she looked aside and took a deep breath. She didn't want to cry. She had come in just to steal a kiss from Jane before going back to her office. And nothing else. But fate had seen things differently. "Come back to me when you are ready, then. I don't like hiding. I can't do that on the long term. I..." She shook her head. "Nope. It isn't something I agree with."

Uncertain of what she had just meant herself – a bit astounded – the scientist turned on her heels and left the room. She walked to the elevators slowly; too shocked. Yet unaware of people calling her name; asking her for an advice. As if lost in a bubble of confusion, she disappeared behind the metallic doors that took her down to the morgue where she rushed to her office and burst into tears.

Was it too much to ask to assume a relationship? Unless it was her fault and she had really pushed Jane to go for it, too early. But the brunette had seemed fine, these past few days; in the mountains and even when they had come back from it. Even the week before, she had showed signs of care – in public – so why was she making a step backwards now?

Perhaps Maura had overreacted but the pain in her heart had no limit.

...

**5pm**

"Alright, girls. We need to do something."

Book in hand, Amelia looked at Grace and frowned. She hadn't followed much the conversation but the last-minute solicitation had taken her out of her silence. She sat up; focused.

"What are you talking about?"

Grace rolled her eyes and pretended to snap her friend's head for her lack of logic and concentration that really didn't help what had gathered them there.

"Why Jane and Maura, of course! Look at them. They have argued. Last time we saw them here, it was all lovey dovey. Today, they look as thrilled as The Adams Family."

Amelia turned around and observed the two people concerned. Jane and Maura were busy with the youngest children of the center, nicely but not enthusiastically. Anyway, no need to be a genius to understand them. It was easy to read them like a book.

Amelia repressed a snort. She had rarely met more transparent people.

"We had kind of given up after the bouquets since they had got closer. Maybe we need to find some plan B if they have argued again. Gosh, they really are dumb. Can't they just realize how much time they're losing with this?" The teenage girl closed her books and turned finally towards the group. "It is now or never. After Christmas, their volunteering is over."

"I was thinking about chocolates." Leah – one of the adolescents – nodded with determination after having religiously listened to Amelia's words.

Grace pouted and crossed her arms against her chest.

"I don't know... We already sent the flowers. Now the chocolates? Isn't it a bit too... You know... Just a bit too cliché?" Yet she didn't have any idea whatsoever herself. "The only sure thing is we barely have twenty-four hours to do it. We have no time to lose."

"What are you doing?" Jane's hoarse voice made them jump on their seats, literally. The reaction – rather unexpected – made the detective laugh nervously. Hands in the pockets of her jeans, she bit her lips and raised her eyebrows at the girls. "I didn't know I was that scaring."

"We're just planning your future life. No big deal. Although it's definitely not easy."

For a few seconds, Jane stared at Amelia without saying a word; not too sure whether the teen girl were joking. She nonetheless decided so and finally burst out laughing; a bit too bitterly, though.

"Then make sure to not put too much stress into it, okay? I've had my dose of it for the next sixty years or so."

Grabbing a chair to sit at the adolescents' table, Jane smiled and cast a brief glance at Maura who was on the other side of the room.

They hadn't talked since their scene earlier in the morning. It was utterly stupid – Jane knew it – but she had nothing to say. Not a single word felt like passing her lips for the moment. The sensation of having ruined it all for a reason she could hardly understand was too strong. She felt guilty and yet her pride – her stupid pride – kept on telling her that she had her right in all of this.

It had barely been a week. They had all the time in their life to officially announce it.

"Are you ready for the Christmas show?" Time to focus back on the reason why she was here.

A bit reluctantly nonetheless, Jane looked up and forced a smile at the teenagers.

Amelia was playing with her book, her fingers tracing invisible patterns on the cover. Jane squinted her eyes to read the title. It was – again – a new novel. The girl was surely an avid reader.

"No and my mother's gonna kill me."

Jane frowned, taken aback by the comment.

"Your mother?"

Amelia's eyes landed on her with this typical self-confidence built on anger; years of frustration that would never really go away, no matter what. She shrugged and snorted.

"Just because I'm up for adoption doesn't mean I don't know who my mother is nor that I have zero contact with her." Realizing that she might have been a bit harsh, the adolescent raised her hands in the air in an apologetic gesture. "She's too young, doesn't have the money. Classic scheme. But we are in touch. Maura didn't tell you about it?"

It was a bit low but Amelia wanted to test Jane to see how bad both women really were with each other. Her not so innocent question got welcome by a sudden interest from the rest of the group as none of the girls had missed her intentions. Jane stiffened and swallowed hard before shaking her head.

"No... No, she hasn't told me about it." She paused and observed the way all these teenagers were studying her reaction. They weren't afraid but extremely curious. "It's not like we spend our time together 24h/day."

Grace snorted but stopped immediately as the detective's eyes landed on her. She shrugged and just sank on her chair a bit more as if she were wishing to disappear once and for all.

"Too bad. I'm sure she makes your life brighter."

The sentence resounded loud in Jane's head, its veracity sticking to her brain with an eloquence she had a hard time to face. It came from a person who was barely fifteen years old yet the maturity the girl had showed troubled the Italian.

So she remained quiet, her smile trembling before something – a delicate statement – that she couldn't but recognize as being her very own reality.

She just hadn't expected this.


	24. December, 24th

**Author's note: thank you very much for all the reviews, and for not going wild against me.**

**December, 24th:**

**6pm**

Maura plunged in her bath and remained still under the water, listening to her heartbeats; the silence of her house. She closed her eyes and bit her lips. The day had been long. Long and gray. She hadn't talked to Jane except for a couple of remarks regarding an old case.

The brunette hadn't seem to be – sadly enough – very eager to allude to the argument they had had the day before and now Maura felt nothing but remorseful. She had lacked patience, for no reason whatsoever. Just some selfish pulsion she regretted deeply.

Lacking air, she came back to the surface and took a deep breath. Drops of water were falling on her cheeks in a bitter symbol of invisible tears; the heat of her bath barely warming up her body.

Jane wouldn't come for Christmas Eve. She was working. If such schedule hadn't pleased Maura the week before, she now saw it as an extra chance to avoid a face-to-face she dreaded a lot. It might be a bit coward, the scientist still had to recognize that it was better like that.

They would see each other on the very next day, anyway; with the rest of the family.

Maura bit her lower lip at the thought. The last thing she wanted was to make it sound awkward for everyone. Nobody knew what was happening between Jane and her and – for the moment – it may have been better like that.

The brunette wasn't ready. Maura simply hoped that it would not last too long. Unless she hadn't understood that Jane's silence today meant that they had marked a pause as her direct ultimatum had indicated the day before. And the only one to blame for it was herself. She had asked for it.

Wrapped in a bathrobe, the blonde walked downstairs to pour herself a glass of wine. She did and sipped on it quietly while observing the Christmas tree on the other side of the room. They had not picked it up a long time ago yet Maura had the feeling that a thousand things had happened between the moment they had chosen it and now. A whole series of events she would have never imagined to come true.

The good ones and darker ones too.

"Good evening!" Angela stormed in cheerfully, a dozen of small presents in her arms. She trotted to the kitchen – put it all down on the counter – and went to hug the scientist tightly. "How are you?"

Maura smiled and turned around to avoid the question. She took advantage of it to pour Angela a glass of wine.

They had decided to spend the evening together, just the two of them. Yet what had seemed like an excellent idea at first was suddenly turning into a torture for the medical examiner. She couldn't lie. It would be hard for her to pretend that everything was alright, to avoid a subject that would betray her current feelings.

"And you? I am sorry, I have just taken a bath. Let's have this glass and then I go change to be a bit more presentable."

The matriarch raised her index finger in the air to say no.

"Stay as you are. We had said it wouldn't be anything fancy. As a matter of fact... " Angela squinted her eyes – as if focused on an idea and was elaborating it in her head – then grinned. "What if we both spent it in our pj's? Tomorrow will be a lot more formal. Let's have a relaxing evening! What do you think?"

Maura pouted - honestly pondered the question - and finally gave in. She wasn't in the mood to dress up and pretend. Not today.

...

**8pm**

"What is this?" Not waiting for a reply from Maura, Angela bent over and grabbed what looked like a greeting card on the coffee table. She turned it around, took another sip of her wine.

The medical examiner shrugged and mumbled away a semblance of answer. She had received it in the afternoon, reminding her how she was supposed to meet a mysterious person the day after; the same linked to the bouquet of flowers she had left in her office.

The date had simply changed. Instead of Christmas Eve, it was now Christmas day.

In all honesty, she wouldn't have gone to Faneuil Hall today. But something intrigued her and before her obvious lack of chances to spend the evening in Jane's arms the day after, she might actually succumb to her curiosity and go.

Just to see.

Anyway, she could remain hidden in a corner - check who was the sender of such missives - then head back home as if nothing had happened. It was intriguing, she couldn't but recognize it.

"Do you have a secret admirer?"

Mortified, Maura turned her head and stared at Angela in disbelief. Although instead of finding her thrilled, she noticed a latent uncertainty in the matriarch's features. It took her aback, completely.

"Not... Not that I know of." The scientist's voice barely reached the necessary octave to be heard over the crackling of the flames in the fireplace. Twisting her hands nervously, she looked down – embarrassed – at her lap and shrugged a bit evasively; not so casually. "It is just a card."

Angela nodded slowly and bit her lower lip. The atmosphere suddenly seemed a bit heavier, not as light as they had started their evening.

"Please, don't do it. Don't give a chance to this person... Jane... She is stubborn but mostly afraid, you know. She just needs time, and patience. She doesn't have much self-confidence."

Maura froze as the words seemed to twirl around her head, making her feel dizzy. She swallowed hard and counted until five in silence. Angela's voice had been low, her tone rather shaking.

And yet. Maura knew what she had alluded to.

Completely taken aback, the medical examiner closed her eyes to find some courage then finally dared to turn her head to properly look at Angela. The matriarch seemed worried, yet sincere.

...

**8pm**

"Which one's yours, Rizzoli?"

Playing absentmindedly with the mysterious greeting card she had received earlier during the day, Jane sighed and raised an eyebrow at the question that came from her colleague.

"Pepperoni..." She stood up and walked to the big table they had set up in the middle of the open space. She rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "Gosh I'm starving!"

A pizza for Christmas Eve. Some people would have rolled their eyes at such menu but for Jane, it was actually perfect and one of the reasons why she liked working at the BPD on that day. So far, the evening had been rather quiet and she hoped that it would remain that way.

A nice chat with her colleagues, the idyllic way to forget a few things if not just everything.

Starting with Maura.

She hadn't talked to her of the whole day.

She still didn't know what to say, what to do. The words that the medical examiner had used were still haunting her mind but she hadn't managed to find a proper solution to get rid of the weight on her shoulders. Her feelings for the honey blonde weren't the issue, she had known about them since a long time already.

No.

It was all about the others, as much as they weren't supposed to even matter in the end. There was nothing unfair in Maura's request – on the contrary – but a terrible panic paralyzed her whenever she thought about it.

She knew the kind of rumor that had been going on about her at work. With and without Maura. In spite of her few exes everyone had got to see at some point. It was incredibly stupid but she didn't want to have them satisfied about it; even if it were actually the truth. To an extent. And that there was nothing shameful about it.

"Any New Year's resolution, Rizzoli?"

Jane looked up at her colleague. Morrisson – a detective in his fifties – was peacefully smiling at her. She had always liked him; nice, not too sexist. She grabbed a plastic plate and took a slice of pizza.

"Maybe make a few changes."

She had said it before even realizing it. The words had passed her lips and hit the air with a rather disturbing logic. But for the very first time, she didn't blush nor panic. No. Instead, she looked up and smiled brightly at her colleagues who – surprised by the confession – were staring at her with perplexity. They hadn't expected her to be serious in her reply.

"Does that mean we're going to see you blond on January, 1st?"

The question made her laugh, openly. She bit into her pizza – focused on the delicious taste of it – then finally shook her head; sweeping away with the back of her hand potential crusts from one of her cheeks.

"Not this kind of changes. As a matter of fact, I guess it won't be a change in itself but more..." She ran her tongue over her lips, looking for the right words as the idea was growing in her head. "More like being true to myself." She took one long - deep - breath. "And to someone who is very important to me."

The silence that followed made her feel slightly uncomfortable. Her colleagues never really see her that serious outside of a case. She was always the first one to joke around; like many detectives as a matter of fact. They needed to in order to release the stress of their job, of their daily routine.

But not this time. No. She didn't want to laugh. For once, she wanted to be honest because it hurt too much. She didn't want to lie, she didn't want to see Maura in pain; nor herself, silence did not make anything easier.

A nod echoed her smile with determination.

"Life's too short to not... To not give a chance to a few things."


	25. December, 25th

**December, 25th:**

**11.45am**

"Merry Christmas..." Shyly, Jane looked up at Maura and seemed to hesitate before taking her in her arms for a warm hug. In front of everyone.

She had barely had time to go back to her place to have a shower and get ready for the meal at the honey blonde's place. Perhaps it was actually better this way. At least, she hadn't been able to lose herself in wonders and even less succumb to a well-known panic. She didn't want to think about it. The situation was enough stressing in itself like that.

Maura smiled and nodded without a word before turning to Tommy who was in full talk with Lydia. She welcomed them as well; warmly enough. They were family, for her. As much as her parents – her adoptive ones – who weren't even in Boston to spend the day with her. As a matter of fact, she didn't know in which country they were this time around.

She needed to call them at some point.

"Angela and I prepared a whole room for TJ if he needs to take a nap. There are stuffed toys, a soft lamp and a nice blanket in alpaga I bought the other day at a very cute children store."

Seeing that Maura was busy with her guests, Jane walked to the kitchen and went to hug her mother who was already busy cooking her infamous gnocci. Angela raised a surprised eyebrow and - getting rid of some flour on her cheek with the back of her hand - made a step backwards to fully check her daughter.

"A dress?"

Jane shrugged, a bit uncomfortable. She pulled on the fabric then crossed her arms against her chest before rolling her eyes with exaggeration. She didn't like remarks about her looks, even when it was nothing but compliments. She didn't know how to take them; nor how to reply properly.

"Why you want me to put back a pair of jeans?"

Sarcasm. It always worked. A lame way to defend herself but she hadn't found anything better. Used to such reaction, the matriarch didn't insist and went to plant a loud kiss on her daughter's cheek.

She smiled at Jane with honesty.

"You are beautiful. I love you."

A moment of uncertainty floated between both until Jane felt something against her legs, tiny hands clutching to her ankle. She looked down – taken aback – and laughed as she saw TJ grinning at her.

She took him in her arms and made him twirl around.

"Maura!" With his little index finger, the toddler pointed out at the medical examiner who was still talking to Lydia, showing her something in a magazine.

Jane nodded and swallowed hard. Yet TJ didn't stop. On the contrary. He started kicking her on the side with his feet, still motioning at Maura.

"I guess that he wants you to take him to her, Janie." Salad bowl full of flour in hand, Angela smiled at her grandson and patted her daughter's back. "She doesn't bite."

The remark made Jane blush. She had sworn to herself that she wouldn't look embarrassed nor catch anyone's attention over the delicate situation regarding herself and Maura. Yet she had just passed the door that she was turning red like a brick already. Taking a deep breath, she walked with TJ to Maura and smiled at her.

"He wanted to see you..."

Luckily like always on these days, they didn't have much time for a mutual embarrassment. Soon – while Korsak arrived along with Frost who hadn't been able to visit his mother this year – activities torn them apart until the meal; not very appropriate either for a talk. Anyway, Jane still had no idea what to say. She had thought about it during her nightshift but nothing had made it to her head. Not really. Nothing worth it.

Yet she wanted to make things clear. With Maura, with everyone. She had taken the decision while with her colleagues the day before. She just had to find the right moment for that.

Unwrapping her presents along with the others while eating dessert, she remained still for a short moment as her eyes locked with the honey blonde's hazel ones. She had sat on the other side of a long table set up for the occasion. Jane dared a pale smile – a timid one – before looking down at the present Maura had got her. Then everything stopped.

An old copy of _Tristan And Isolde_ with a small white envelope scotched to it. Touched by the book obviously reminding her of their night at the Opera House, Jane grabbed the piece of white paper and opened it. A thin emerald bracelet was in it, with a date engraved on the back of it. The one of their first kiss, on the ice rink.

Her hands shaking like a leaf, she looked back up at Maura who had pursed her lips and seemed just a tad nervous.

She hadn't unwrapped her presents yet and was obviously looking for a way to escape – discreetly enough – from Jane's insistent gaze.

...

**5.55pm**

It was snowing hard, the wind blowing at every corner. Huddled up against her coat, Jane made her way through the crowd of passers-by who had gathered by Faneuil Hall to listen to Christmas carols after a long meal shared with beloved ones. The detective had hesitated. Until the last minute, she had not been sure whether she would go to the mysterious rendez-vous or not.

She hadn't talked to Maura. Instead, she had lost herself in her cowardice again until frustration had made it to her head to never let go of her again. She hated it when she lacked courage. Especially with Maura.

She couldn't wait like that, not for too long. Or else she would lose her once and for all.

But as she had said goodbye to TJ – Lydia – and Tommy, she had found herself alone with Angela at the scientist's place. Maura had left in the meantime, sneaking out without saying a word.

Jane had barely thanked her for the bracelet she was now wearing at her wrist. A mumble of words – lost in her lack of self-confidence – while her heart had never beat so fast.

Hands in the pockets of her coat, she looked around as she made it to the Christmas carols corner. It was clear that she wasn't alone. It would be hard to find the person who had sent her the bouquet as well as the greeting card; if she even wanted to see this person. Curiosity had pushed her to do so.

The first notes of _All I Want For Christmas Is You_ hit the air, welcomed by a round of applause: a dozen of smiles. She leaned against the wall and listened to the song, looking all around.

Who? Who had sent her all this? And what for?

All she hoped was that it didn't come from one of her annoying colleagues. If so, she would be mortified to say the least. Especially since she hadn't stayed home and ignored the rendez-vous. Perhaps she should try to hide a bit, just in case.

"Jane?"

The voice rose in her back, full of incomprehension and uncertainty. The Italian froze – swallowed hard – and clenched her fists subconsciously. She must have not heard properly. A dream. That was what it was and nothing else. And yet.

A hand brushed her shoulder, barely. She turned around.

Maura was there, her eyes glimmering through tears Jane didn't know how to interpret. Brown diamonds that seemed to hesitate between hope and bitterness.

"What are you doing here?" The Italian's hoarse voice barely rose in the air, covered by the singers' own ones.

Maura bit her lower lip and tilted her head on a side as if plunged in her thoughts. For long seconds, she remained quiet; still. People were coming and going around them but she didn't see them. Way too many things were going through her head; her feelings melting in what-ifs and the memories of the past few weeks.

_The Home For Little Wanderers_. The girls. It had to be them. The bouquet, the card. They had not given up their plot to get them the contrary.

The thought made her blush. She looked down and took a deep breath before looking for Jane's eyes again. She shrugged, unsure of what she was supposed to say. Too many things to explain, anyway.

But Jane reacted before. She ran her tongue over her lips and shook her head as if sweeping away a few things. She made a step towards Maura and locked her eyes with hers. It was now or never.

"I love you."

Three words. Nothing in the profusion of any language and yet the most powerful ones one could ever face. Maura gasped, frowned. She hadn't expected that. All she had wanted from Jane was a way to make their couple official.

Yet the Italian had gone a lot further.

As if carried on by an invisible strength – the one of her feelings lying in the open – Jane passed a hand on Maura's nape to drag her closer. She captured her lips in a long kiss; an assumed one. The kind that had rocked years of fantasies and repressed desires.

"I love you." The whisper barely passed Jane's lips to embrace Maura's as they broke apart for air and leaned their respective foreheads agains each other. "I love you... I love you."

Jane grabbed Maura's hand – cast a glance at the crowd of strangers around them – then smiled at the blonde with a brand new easiness.

One that buried all the doubts she had had until now. She had never felt so light, so true to herself. At last.

The timid smile on Maura's lips melted into a grin as Jane's attitude appeared clearly. The scientist's hand slid against the brunette's and held it tight. She brought it to her heart before swallowing back some tears. Tears of joy.

It was almost too beautiful to be true.

As the last notes of _All I Want For Christmas Is You_ resounded loud in the air – embracing Faneuil Hall of its shades of hope and symbolic – Maura bent over and captured Jane's lips with abandon. Abandon and love.

The End

**Author's note: thank you very much for following this Rizzles Advent calendar, I hope you loved it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I wish you all a merry Christmas - if you celebrate it - and will post a series of one shots until NYE, titled Countdown, starting tomorrow. **


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